DH has been in a complaining mood. I try my best to just listen, but sometimes it’s hard to affirm what he’s feeling when I don’t feel the same. I think when he loses his patience or tolerance, a rare occurrence, it feels like the planets have gone out of alignment. I suddenly get the urge to “fix it” and explain to him why he shouldn’t be complaining or feeling negative about something. Although I don’t intend it, I guess I come off as condescending.
Another communication difficulty we have is that he has a slower, halting communication style. I have a faster, intuitive, “I’m one step ahead of you” style. I know it’s annoying, and I try very hard to sit with an interested face even though I know what he’s going to say (i.e., he’ll hear something on the news, but if I nod my head like I know the story as he begins to tell me, he gets visibly frustrated). I guess I feel I’m saving both of us a lot of time! Even when I’m being really, really good and not trying to finish his sentence or co-opt his story, I’m nodding away as if I know what he’s going to say. I have even tried the discipline of counting silently to 10 when he stops talking to be sure it’s not a pause. He’ll get very frustrated with me when I “interrupt” before he’s done talking.
So, as I stood at the kitchen sink tonight getting dinner ready, I guess I interrupted him. He came to me and gave me a hard spank.
Wow. That wasn’t just a tease.
“Let me finish!” he said, trying to edge his voice with some humor to make this move “legal,” but not quite covering over his frustration and pique. My response was immediate.
“Yes sir, I’m sorry.” A thrill ran through me… THIS IS WHAT I WANT! I wasn’t bratting or interrupting him consciously… and he needs to call me down on such things, and this is what I respond to!
A little later in our bedroom, I hugged him, still sensing his frustration.
“Why are you mad at me?”
“Because you won’t let me finish a sentence. You’re not being very nice to me.”
“How?” I ask, which frustrates him more. “Spank me then when you feel frustrated with me…”
“No, because that’s what you want.”
“I truly was not trying to be a brat… this is different. Just spank me… please…”
“Ha, what if I had when that neighbor walked up the driveway–they would have called the police!” he “joked.”
I can see how he’s struggling. He actually let himself “go” when he gave me that spontaneous spank, and in his mind that equals “out of control.” He is so afraid to spank me outside the erotic scenes. Why? How can I convince him this is OK with me??
As we walked out of the house on an errand, he told me to remind him to do something later.
“Yes, sir.” I said. He turned to look me in the eyes, raising his eyebrow.
“Yes… uh sire? Have you decided yet what I’m to call you?”
“No, not yet.”
Sigh… oh for him to just give himself over to that instinct!
The final chapter in Omani Destiny: The Sultan’s Seduction has been posted! I always feel sad to “finish” a book… so…
It’s not finished until I say it’s over! (muwahaaa! The power of the author!). The story lives on through 3 more installments. These will be soon uploaded for Kindle, so you will get to continue to know Teri’s fate… and the fate of her children. Hamir isn’t ready to bow out any time soon.
So, get over to http://omanidestiny.wordpress.com and get caught up. I will be taking the blog site down in the very near future as I go to publication on Kindle. Don’t miss the opportunity to read it for free!
A celebration–DH told me tonight that he has finished the book, She Comes First. I can’t tell you how excited I am to hear that.
Intrusting this information to eager me was big for him, I know this. He followed it quickly with a caveat:
“But please don’t expect me to act on this tonight… it’s something I want to take my time with, when the moment is right and I have time to do it right,” he warns.
“I understand,” I said. “And thank you so much for reading the book and for letting me know. I will be patient,” I promise. I also share with him the wisdom I’d just gained from a commenter on accepting the different seasons in our love life. It made me sound very self-controlled and patient.
I promised patience, but oh yes, I’m like a kid in a candy shop. I just can’t wait for this treat, I feel like a little kid hopping up and down in my head asking “when? when? when?” But I have to follow through with the patience. He’s said he will do this (for those who do not know this book, it is an exhaustive treatment of how to give a woman oral, and uses words like foreplay, coreplay, moreplay (which occur before actual intercourse)… all to say, take your time building your lady to the most amazing Os with your tongue and don’t rush the process. The man who wrote this book, bless his heart, is a literary type who inserts many references to literature, great works, and quotes, all which speaks to my DH. The author also obviously LOVES giving oral, and confesses to perfecting his technique as compensation for having poor staying power in sexual encounters. His descriptions are extremely detailed and helpful. I was amazed an entire book could be written about the subject, but it’s well done!). My husband only first attempted oral in our 21st year of marriage. I’ve applauded every single effort, as abbreviated as they’ve been. It was progress. The thought that he might actually make me come this way is a dream I’m almost afraid to believe in.
But a note to all men (and most of the men reading here do not need this note): communication, guys. Tell her that you are thinking about it, tell her you are working on it. Don’t make her guess. DH has just bought himself some time by at least giving me the courtesy of his thoughts and intentions. The fact that he read the book alone has been huge.
Our other significant conversation was that he doesn’t like the sound of “sir,” which I’ve taken to saying anytime we’re intimate or alone. It’s an address he has never been comfortable with, he says. He tells me he will think of an alternative respectful form of address for me to feel the submission I want to feel. So far he has just come up with “joking” suggestions, such as “Sire” or “Master,” either of which I’m willing to do although they do not roll off the tongue so well and have limited public use… he quickly told me he was kidding. I have let him know that HusDom actually wrote about this topic, as he was having the similar hesitancies.
All in all, these are steps forward. September and empty nest will be here before we know it. Patience… patience… patience…
Way back in July– hard to believe it’s been a year now–I wrote a letter to my DH about my need for his touch. Tonight we had another heart to heart and this topic came up among the repeating conversation of what D/s really is, and what really do I want from him? Sometimes it is so hard for me to feel that nearly a year has gone by and he still is struggling with the concept. However, there’s been definite progress.
First of all, we have traveled quite far on our journey. He has learned to touch me more, and he has learned to give me pleasure during sex. This may sound so rudimentary to some, but it’s a big deal for me. He’s been able to warm my bottom with his hand and hairbrush, and he’s used toys with me. His mouth has traveled to places it’s never been on my body. I’ve only “faked” one orgasm in this past year (and that was when a third O just wasn’t happening). I try so very hard to remain grateful for each baby step forward for him and for us. I tell him how grateful I am often. But the journey is just starting for me.
In return, I’ve tried to give him my submission. What this looks like is making an effort not to second-guess him or debate a decision, to accept he is making the right decision for us and our family. To respect him and build him up publicly. It also means doing the household tasks I don’t particularly like to do, because he likes this. This has been very hard for the control-freak in me. And, while as a submissive in training, I’ve vow to give my body completely to him, this still isn’t something he demands of me or something I feel is being “taken” from me. My biggest submissive offering has been 5 am sex, generally for his pleasure only (I’m rarely asleep before midnight). I offer my body always, and at times feel rejected. He has not been able to fully step into his dominant role. The last thing on his mind is dragging me into the bedroom and taking what’s his.
He claims “you will never be able to do that!” in regards to complete submission. My answer is, “try me!” (acknowledging that this IS a process, and I might not be perfect at it, but I’ll try). The conversation always disintegrates into him talking about (1) abuse (something I know he’s incapable of, and I wouldn’t be “allowing” his dominance if I every felt there’d be abuse); (2) his observations that he shouldn’t try to change me (again, I tell him that fundamentally I am who I am–I don’t abandon the positives of my character when I submit to him, but I keep in check those non-submissive traits when I am with him. In my work place and other settings, I am manager, leader, take-charge as I need to be). (3) Lastly, he observes that “this (D/s) is all just play-acting, right?” I have to concede this point to him, because he just cannot wrap his head around it on a 24/7 basis, and as has been suggested by followers, we might need to do this on a part-time “play” basis for a while. The trouble is, I don’ t know how to encourage him to move into more intense scenes. As I put it to him: “joining with you is such an amazing spiritual connection for me, one that I really know I need from you at least weekly; yet there are levels of pleasure I really want to go to with you, things that rise above the ordinary. I don’t really know how to describe sub-space to him; I’m not sure I’ve actually ever truly been there myself, but I get it. If this means something outside yourself, then I’ve experienced it with past lovers… and have skated on the edge of this a few times this past year with my DH.
I’ve explained again to him that I have just got a lot of kinks that are still screaming to come out. He is willing to explore, but it is still such a difficult thing for him. And the strangest oxymoron of all is that I LIKE to be spanked, I LIKE pain… so that can’t be a punishment, but somehow has to be worked into a reward.
But most of all, it all comes back to the feeling that his touch gives me. As I explained it to him:
“Your hand on my neck, waist, back; the slap to my rear; the pull-in hug; your hand on my knee when we sit next to each other or you grasping my hand… all of those things settle me and make me feel ‘yours.’ Your touch has such a powerful effect on me. When I don’t get that, I begin to feel adrift and sad and rejected. I’m sure it’s my own insecurities because there’s no logical reason for me to feel rejected… yet I feel this way without your touch. I get unsettled and begin doubting my worth to you. I know this may not make sense to you, but if I have to go 3-4 days (as I have this week… through no fault of his or mine, as I just had to be away for a family obligation), I start spinning out of control in my head. Yet at the same time, it is so important to me to feel like you do this willingly, that you desire to give me this and that you’re not just responding to ‘orders.’”
The other really, really difficult thing for me is that we are finding ourselves drifting back to more infrequent sex. He’s tired a lot (working hard). Kids are just, well AROUND. There’s been a huge sucking sound on our wallet lately and money issues always make him edgy. Life has been extraordinarily busy for us lately… and we’ll be headed off to a trip in a week, where we will have NO opportunities for intimacy. It’s oppressive for me to think that July 1 may be the first opportunity for intimacy with him (our last being a June 8 “I’ll make you feel good” quickie.) He keeps telling me “maybe tonight,” and I always know it’s not going to happen. Tonight he said, “Saturday morning for sure…” I dare not get my hopes up. God give me strength.
Perhaps I need to send this again, maybe as a first anniversary thing?
(A letter to DH, in hopes he’d respond more in this way…)
July 9, 2012
Your touch means so much to me.
Your touching me in a firm and possessive way makes me feel wanted, cherished, and yours. I like feeling like I’m “yours.” I like all sorts of touch from you—the gentle strokes and kisses; the possessive hand on my thigh or shoulder or neck; the firm holds; the rougher tugs on my body, my arms, my hair; the seductive touches (even in public) that touch on the inside of my knee or thigh, inside of my elbow, hand around my waist or brushing near my breast, hips, rear; and of course the passionate, sensual, erotic touches on my bare skin in private—slowly teasing and stroking and rubbing extremities as well as erotic spots; insistent touch. Touch inside of me. I also love to feel your gaze as you touch me, your eyes taking in intimate parts of me. (I also love to feel a slap on my thigh or my rear—this is a significant sexual turn-on for me, and I hope you can be comfortable giving that to me as well).
Opening myself up to your touch feels like such a step of trust and faith, and I love that feeling. I want you to know that you have my blanket consent to touch me anywhere and in any way you choose. I am yours.
I so adore and love to feel your touch because it makes me feel more connected to you and loved. Thank you for your touch!
I love you!
I’m so excited to post my latest chapter of Omani Destiny: The Sultan’s Seduction. Teri’s really gotten herself into quite a bind… literarlly and figuratively. I have been inspired lately by some of my D/s-M friends to add in a few tidbits on cuffs and bondage, so please check it out. This chapter is the most violent and was one of the hardest for me to write (it’s been edited and re-edited multiple times, because the vision of violence I have in my mind for this chapter was almost too much to bear, much less put in black and white…), because it deals with issues that I don’t condone… but it seemed necessary to the story. Is it too violent or objectionable? I’d love feedback.
If you’ve been procratinating or haven’t yet had a chance to read my hot FREE book… get over to Omani Destiny NOW and click follow so you won’t miss another installment. This story will not remain free for much longer…
Hint: If you have a Kindle, iPad or any other electronic reader, you merely have to pull up the blog site from the web on your device, and read away!
Tell your friends! And PLEASE comment after the chapters to let me know your thoughts.
I was over at Passionate Christian Marriage’s site, and I was responding to a post from a woman whose husband was having an emotional affair. It got me to thinking about what I’ve been learning in my own trials during my two decades of marriage, and our recent renewal.
Just a few years ago, an infidelity by my spouse would have had me out the door with few questions asked. Even without cheating, my only hold-out was not exposing my kids to a divorce. My husband was not the cheating type, but I know nothing is impossible. We had gone so many years without intimacy (his choice), I had to wonder that he might have cheated, even though his lifestyle, schedule and absolute transparency and accountability in no way suggested that (he is low-tech, hates texting, emails, social media…so these were not means by which he’d be vulnerable–he has no passwords, he hides nothing). There was a point when I felt he was talking too frequently about a woman he served on a board with, and I confronted him. I wasn’t specifically accusing him of cheating with that particular woman, but I could tell that he was enjoying her affirmation and stroking his ego, and at that point in our marriage I was so hurt by his “rejection” and withdrawal from sex, that I could find very little nice to say to him or about him. It had become a vicious cycle.
“Have you considered an affair ever in our marriage?” I asked.
“No, why would you ask?” he responded, but I know he was intrigued by my question.
“Well, I realize that things between us haven’t been good and that we haven’t been very successful in fixing things… I guess I might see how either of us could be tempted.”
“You’ve been tempted?” he asks.
“No, but I also have far less contact than you with members of the opposite sex who might be potential affairs. And I could never do that to our children or to you. But I see that you have many qualities that women appreciate, and there are women out there (unlike me) who would be very happy in an arrangement where there wouldn’t be sex, so I could see them coming on to you. And that you would be very complimented by their attentions.”
“No, I’m not tempted; but it does feel good to have someone listen to you and think you’re great,” he responded.
“I can understand that, we all want that. It’s so easy to do when there aren’t all the other pressures and issues of marriage and family. It’s easy to appreciate someone when you don’t have to be with them 24/7,” I agreed. “But I do want you to know, that if you ever felt that you would rather be with someone else, do not cheat on me. I could possibly tolerate you telling me the truth and us going our seperate ways, but I could not tolerate cheating or a lie. You wouldn’t want to deal with me in a case like that.” I threatened.
Now, one of the insidious things about our poor marriage was that in essence, he HAD been cheating on me by denying me his love and intimacy. He had broken our marriage vows, and was living in a lie with me. It was “legal cheating” because no other person was involved. He just was withholding from me (which almost is worse). I had made efforts to seek help, counseling, marriage seminars; he continued to hold out on me. I did not exactly know what I needed to change about myself because he could never come clean to talk about that. I may not have listened… but then again, perhaps I would have if he’d been honest. I know this seems not as grave as a spouse who cheats with another person… but it was painful nonetheless, and it wasn’t honest.
So fast forward to year 20 of our marriage. I realized that with kid shortly leaving, there would be no way to continue in a sexless marriage, and told him so (AND, I had lost the weight and gotten in good shape, felt good about myself). I told him I loved him and didn’t want to give up, but that I was weary of and beaten down with trying with no results. I gave him an option. Work on renewing our sex life and intimacy, or live apart once the kids were gone. I’d not divorce him, we could be together for holidays for the kids’ sake, but I wouldn’t be able to remain full-time in a sexless marriage. Perhaps I’d never meet anyone who would fulfill me, I might not have actively sought it out, but I’d be open to it. Thank God he finally made a decision to try to fix the marriage. I had to make some major efforts too. The rest is blog history.
So in response to the woman at PCM’s blog, I said this: You cannot live in fear, and you cannot live a lie. This is not a life, and it is not a marriage. You have to bring things out of the dark into the light before you can work on them, as messy as that may be. You cannot bury your head in the sand; do not put up with cheating, emotional or otherwise. It erodes the soul [to this day, I know we allowed ourselves to stay in the dark way too long... I'm not sure though how else it would have gotten fixed, perhaps my realizing the need to submit and to make him feel better about himself. When I was feeling so rejected, all I wanted to do was strike back and make him feel bad too].
That said, of course no one wants to think they were spied on (this wife had evidence of an emotional affair from texts, but was afraid to confront him because she’d been snooping), and his reaction will probably be to accuse you of wrong. You need to honestly tell him that you KNOW he has pulled away from your marriage and his commitment to you, but that it’s not important how you know. Avoid telling him how you know… I’m not saying be dishonest, but don’t give him a reason to turn the argument back on you. If he blusters about, calmly look him in the eye, and just say, “I KNOW, it’s not important HOW I know. What’s important is I want to fix this because I love you and am committed to our marriage. Do you want to work on this?” [I sort of did this in my marriage: things were wrong even if it wasn't "cheating," it wasn't really important why they were wrong or whose fault it was, it just was a fact we had to face].
First of all, if you really love him and want to fight, then tell him this straight out. Tell him you realize a marriage that is experiencing problems or failing usually is not just one person’s fault and that you too are willing to change to make things better. Ask him, “if there was one thing you’d like me to change about myself, what would it be? If there was one thing you’d like to change about our relationship, what would it be? If there was one thing you could change about yourself, what would it be? I love you enough to work on our marriage to make it the best possible, and to be the best wife I can be to you.” AND, be prepared to change what he suggests. Maybe he wants more sex? Vow you will be available to him for that whenever he wants (I cannot tell you how critical sex is to a marriage–it is the glue that holds it together).
Come to this discussion with the list of reasons why you married him, what you admire and loved about him. Compliment him on what you appreciate about him now (this may be hard if you’re hurt or angry– is he a good provider? Does he work hard? Is he a good dad? A good son?). Men need to feel respected and honored (and although his actions right now are not honorable, at some point you must’ve thought something about him was praiseworthy– he can live up to those standards if he feels appreciated). Avoid accusations or dwelling on what he’s done wrong straight up. It’s harder for him to turn away praise (A harsh word stirs up anger but a gentle answer turns away wrath).
Because there already seems to be a communication issue for you (that you can’t confront him on betrayal, and fear his reaction), it would probably be best for you to suggest some sort of mediation or counseling– professional or church. That way he can’t bully you and he is forced to be more honest [and I do have to confess, while I think in my head this is a good idea, it NEVER really worked for us... however I think that some of the tools we took away with us from seminars and counseling may in the long term helped us].
Above all, you need to feel worthy of honor (Proverbs 31 woman). Are you taking care of yourself? Staying fit, dressing nicely, fixing your hair? Taking good care of your household/family? If you are feeling less than great about yourself, that will be transmitted to your husband. Athol Kay’s Married Man Sex Language deals with upping your own game so that your mate sees that you are valuable–potentially to others. While I’m not so keen on the “threat” aspect of this, I do see how men can begin to step up to the plate if they think their spouse is desireable by other men.
Pray by all means. But don’t be a doormat and don’t put your head in the sand.
[And I apologize if the title made any of my regular readers skip a heartbeat. We are fine...]
Tonight we were at a posh restaurant surrounded by a table of more than a dozen teens celebrating a life event with our teens. Everyone was having a great time, enjoying good food and great company. We quietly presided at the end of the table, feeling parental pride in our younglings and their amazing friends. Good vibes all around.
And DH chooses this time to tease me. About a variety of x-rated sexy stuff! I mean, within potential earshot of the teens, who were too busy with each other to probably care to listen in.
“So, did you know about the symbolism of lipstick?” He’s referring to the “She Comes First” book and apparently he’s been pretty fascinated with the anatomy of the female vulva. I have to make a mental note of encouragement: he’s enjoying this book about oral, this is a GOOD thing!
“Uhm… yeah…” I respond with a little trepidation about being overheard.
“Problem is, now that’s what I’ll think about every time I see a woman with lipstick…”
“Well, that’s good!” I say seductively.
“No, it’s not. My mother wears lipstick. My daughters wear lipstick…” he’s half serious, half teasing.
“Well, couldn’t you learn to channel the thoughts to me?” I ask.
“Should I get the salmon?” he asks, the segue into… “You know in that book, about hygiene and fishy smell…”
“Yes…” I look around furtively, hoping noone is listening in. I’ve recently informed him of my use of “freshness wipes” before sex, to try to assuage his fear of any strong odors or tastes, but this is not like him to be so risque in public.
“Remember that joke about Adam and Eve and fish…” I nod my head quickly to spare him from telling it. He smirks at my discomfort and wonder at his baudy talk.
“Maybe you want to tell everyone that joke?” I tease back, and he laughs.
It went on like that all evening. It was light-hearted, lots of inuendos, and an overall feel-good time. Whenever the opportunity presented itself, I answered him wih a smile at his joke and a simple “yes sir.”
Before the evening ever started, I had greeted him home with a strong hug and kiss and “I love you.” He whispered, “Maybe later tonight we could?” but his voice sounds so tired.
“That’s OK, I know you’re tired,” I sympathize (although I realize that probably was wrong to say that. What I’m thinking in my head is that I don’t want it to be an obligaton or duty for him, and I DO understand he’s tired. I probably should have said, “That would be lovely, but I can wait until you’re feeling less tired too.” I have to shut my mouth and think sometimes!)
And, as I suspected, he was very tired by the time the evening was over. He actually used the words “dizzy” as he headed off to bed this evening.
This teasing just isn’t fair! With a high-sex drive wife like me, it’s like waving a red cape before a bull. This morning I broke out the reinforcements (BOB-battery operated boyfriend) because I’d hit my mid-week sex fast and needed a fix to get me to (hopeful) weekend sex. Now he’s gotten me so bothered that I don’t know if I can wait for the weekend!