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Singed and smoking… but survived

October 26, 2014

I literally feel like I’ve jumped through a fiery hoop.  I made it through intact, but a little singed at the edges.

After he fell asleep in the middle of my reveal the other night, he more or less started the next day acting as though nothing had happened.  I really do want to be sympathetic and to give him the benefit of the doubt.  He didn’t MEAN to hurt my feelings.

But he did.  I can try to say to  myself, “don’t feel hurt” but the reality is, I am.

Problem is, my tendency to spin out one event into a myriad of issues represented in that one event.  “If he cared, he wouldn’t fall asleep.  If he cared, he’d apologize.  If he cared, he’d want to hear what I have to say…”

Ironically, about an hour after first falling asleep, he woke, brushed his teeth, and read a little while more.  I had still been sitting on the other bed– probably blogging my frustration.  I was incredulous.  Hurt.  Not a word was shared.  He eventually turned the light out and wordlessly retired–in his own bed.  I didn’t feel at all welcome to join him, so I stayed in the other bed.

And I was even more upset.

So in the morning, when he said nothing to me and we were about to start our day again… I had to ask.

“Do you remember what happened last night?”

He did.  Pretty accurately.

“And you said, ‘It’s OK… we’ll talk later,’ he reminds me.

“What else could I say?  I was being polite.  Look, of course I can understand when you are tired, you only have to tell me.  You seemed wide awake, I asked you if I could share… and you could have said, ‘let’s wait until tomorrow.’  However you also have to understand that not only did it hurt my feelings you feel asleep after hearing I had something to share with you… I’m doubly hurt that you won’t even make  mention of it the next day.  Had I in some way ignored you or fallen asleep in the middle of you talking to me (would never happen), I think I’d be quite apologetic, even if I didn’t mean to be rude.  I might say, ‘I know you had something important to share with me, and I do want to hear it when I’m in better form.’  But you’re not saying anything.  You’re ignoring it.  So here it is: It really has hurt my feelings that you don’t seem to care about when I want to communicate something to you about my sexual difficulties.”

He impassively stared at me during my speech.  He didn’t apologize.  He made excuses.  He reminded me again I said “it’s OK.”  It was frustrating.

We somehow made it through the rest of the day being civil with each other, but I was still licking wounds and unresolved.  At some point, he said that he would like for me to read the blog to him later that evening.  I thanked him for that.  It helped that it was a beautiful day with beautiful scenery and a nice outing, it pulled me out of my funk despite the elephant in the room.  We only had to put in a couple hours of “Dad duty,” as most of the unpacking was done.

Later that evening we talked.  I read the orgasm “tips” reblog, and my frustration blog to him (as I’d been advised).  He asked if everyone rubber stamped me when I vented on my blog…  I said no, not at all– that in most cases I’ve got an iron sharpening iron thing going on with those who respond to the blog–although most state views with empathy and understanding.  Sometimes I’m called to task, sometimes people help me see things a different way. I read him the comments too.  We got some things out that needed to be aired.  It helped.  He discussed some strategies we need to try going forward. We discussed our aging process and the difficulties it presents in bed.   It was a good talk.  I think.

It’s just that I feel we’ve been down this road so many times, our rollercoaster ride.  I managed to tell him–once again– that the kink and the BDSM are very significant parts of sexual turn on for me, and that it’s something he won’t initiate unless I’ve asked.  He acknowledged this was true.  Build-up and foreplay are in short supply.  I rarely have an opportunity to get “in the mood/right frame of mind.” I explained that I sometimes feel sex or pleasuring me is a task or a chore for him… I don’t feel he’s fully engaged; (like he’s doing the crossword puzzle at the same time diddling me).  We’ve had this talk before.  I compared it to trying to write something with your eyes closed– you might be able to write your name or a few things, but it won’t be very legible, clear, or good.  It helps when you see what you’re doing.  Learning about your wife’s body and what arouses her can’t be done purely by touch and in the dark.  It takes focus and vision (and practice) to notice all the signs of pleasure and arousal, and what touches do that.  Not to mention it’s sexy when you feel your husband’s full focus is on you and his ability to pleasure you.

And bottom line, no one wants to feel they are a burden or too much work.

I hate that I feel this way, but I do.  Without him initiating, leading, encouraging me, or being very engaged during sexy time, it feels so incomplete and contrived. And that no doubt plays a big part in my inability to clear my mind and relax.  I constantly worry that he’s just not that into me/it.

He denies this, of course.  He mentions a few things  we should do (like reading “She Comes First” book again; and the companion book that he apparently has bought.  He questions my suggestion for us to read some sexy D/s or BDSM  blogs together… feels I “read too much.”  In my defense, I say that reading has helped me to come to grips that I have desires that are normal, not abnormal, and to pursue what I like.

He tells me that tomorrow morning he will have sex with me.

And he puts more effort into it.  It is nice and pleasurable, and I tell him this.  He’s more vocal about his pleasure.  I feel like he’s enjoyed our bonding time… it’s totally vanilla.  His touch is a bit more engaged… but ultimately I can’t come unless I take over the toy.

And I continue to push down the doubts raging in my head.

I love him, I want him to dominate me, I want him to have the confidence and the desire to control my body, to take it on as an experience he enjoys and not just a task he has to do.  And while I so much wish that he could be kinky on his own, I suppose I can accept he’ll do it from time to time because he knows it means a lot to me.

And before I get dinged on doing my submissive part– I’m all about it.  Every waking moment is spent in ways to acknowledge his leadership, to acquiesce to his decisions for us, to be agreeable, and to be a helpmeet, to serve him.  I use the phrase, “Whatever you think,” quite often now as a way of submitting to what he decides, especially when I offer an opinion he doesn’t seem inclined to take.  As official navigator on this trip, you don’t know how hard this is to do– I have to give him directions submissively.  When I say, “in 1/2 mile you’ll make a right turn” and he will not move to the right lane, I try not to nag or repeat, and then too late he realizes he can’t move over… has to overshoot the turn, I patiently redirect him back to our route (yes, we use the GPS on the phone, but he can’t hear it, so I have to “interpret,” and “recalculate”).  How many times I say as kindly as possible, “so, did you want to take a different route from the one I just gave you?” This is not easy for anyone.  I want so very hard to leave things to his “common sense” but when a person does not have a sense of direction, apparently this is impossible.

He loves me.  He doesn’t want us to break apart (nor do I).  And I think he knows this is a reality if we can’t meet each other’s needs– his vanilla, low T needs and my kinky, high-desire needs.  My need for a leader, his disinclination to be strong and directive in his leadership.

I’m tired here and I’m spinning.  I’m having difficulty trusting his “all in” here.  I hate to feel he’s just appeasing.

Fortunately we’re off for the next 4 days in a situation where very few decision need to be made, where maps and directions need not be a huge part of our day. I hope we can chill and be happy just being together…

Crash and Burn… Ouch

October 24, 2014

snoringWow.  I’m in the moment of some big disappointment here.

I just read a really good post about 5 Tips to Reaching Climax by Hot, Holly and Humorous.  I reblogged it here.  And, since it was ONLY 9 pm and DH was still up reading his magazine here in our hotel room, I asked him if I could read it to him.  I was really hoping it would start a conversation for us.

“Yes, let me just finish 2 more paragraphs,” he replied.

As I start reading, I’m chuckling a little and commenting how I really related… difficulties with getting my mind clear, genie in a bottle rubbing… poor husbands… moving targets…

He fell asleep by tip #4.

I had asked him a question during #4 and got no answer.  I looked over and he was asleep.

HE FELL ASLEEP WHEN I WAS TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO HIM MY DIFFICULTIES ACHIEVEING ORGASM FROM HIM.

BAM!

I have read many such “how to” climax tips.  You see, it was pretty easy for me to do so many years ago (during sex).  And I seem to have lost it.

You see, it’s been a really, really, really long time since DH has been able to MAKE me climax.  Out of every 10 encounters, he can make me come perhaps once.  Usually after a valiant and lengthy try by him, I have to decide to say “oh it’s OK, maybe not tonight for me..”. and forgo a climax; or I have to “take over” and even then, even with a toy, it’s getting very hard to get there.  And it is making me quite sad.  Because there is so much good here, and I hate the disappointment that my husband can’t make me come.

I feel part of it may be my aging body betraying me.  We use lots of lubricant.  However, spanking can make my own lubrication happen.

Still, I desire sex.  I desire him.

I know part of it is his aging body.  He seems to want to get his orgasm over with fast– and I’ve learned that’s partly because he’s afraid he’ll lose it before he can come.  So, usually… he comes first.  Then attends to me.  And has his “work” cut out for him.  And since this is a man who still struggles with oral on me, going down after he’s shot his load isn’t happening.

Part of it may be that BDSM and kink are on the light side for us, unless I literally beg for some intense play.  That happens perhaps every 3-4 weeks. He rarely initiates a scene, I have to ask.   We are empty nesters now.  So I don’t get why it can’t happen more.  I need kink.  I need edgy-ness.  I need pain as part of our sexual interaction.

Still, I desire sex.  I desire him.

I struggle to quiet my mind.  I try hard to do this, have always known it’s a prerequisite to success in bed.  When I can focus on just us, and loving him, and his touch, usually I feel strangely annoyed–  being rubbed (or irritated)  the wrong way, afraid to gently redirect and speak up. Maybe he isn’t as frustrated with how long it takes me… but I can’t really tell, I have no reassurances that this is enjoyable for him, that he’s not bored…  I just doesn’t seem to be getting any better, him in tune with my body.

Still, I desire sex, I desire him.

He seems to be trying so hard… making efforts… and something just isn’t working.  I sometimes want to cry.  Because every single thing he does to my body is like a gift to me, I love his touches… I let him know that, I try to relax in just the pleasure of touch…   And I know he loves me.  He is trying…

But dang it all, I wish he could make me come. 

So, his falling asleep in the middle of me sharing this post was like a knife stab.  I know he didn’t “mean to” but it still makes me feel like this is just not of interest to him, not a priority.  That he’s been appeasing, trying to get by with the minimum to “keep me happy” and off his back.  My reaction was to be “understanding.”  tears10

“Are you asleep?” I finally asked when he didn’t respond to my question.

“What, huh?  Oh,  no… uh… my mind just was wandering a little…”

GULP.

“That’s OK, we can do this another time, you’re tired,” I say as nicely and sympathetically as I can.  Within seconds he was fast asleep, not a care on his mind.

But yeah.  I’m wounded.

This is a lousy way to start a vacation.  I hope a good night’s rest will clear my head and the blehs I feel right now.

Hurt for me turns to wounded, turns to frustrated, turns to angry, and ultimately turns to meanness and the desire to escape or shut down/build walls.  He’s asleep now, and I can’t explain that to him. I’m trying to get thankful thoughts in my head about how much he’s helping on this trip… putting up with my crappy Dad.  Being patient.  Being supportive.  He’s a good man.

 

sexual-Frustration

5 Tips for Reaching Climax

October 24, 2014

I liked what she has to say on this topic–one that I seem to struggle with intermittently with DH, and a lot more recently.  I especially have difficulty with clearing the mind.  From  Hot, Holy and Humoroushttp://hotholyhumorous.com/2014/10/5-tips-for-reaching-climax .  Read it to DH this evening… uhm… to #4… my next blog will detail that disappointment.  Still a good piece I think!

5 Tips for Reaching Climax

On Monday, I compared various sensations of orgasm to an amusement park. (Because my brain works strangely like that.) But I know some wives still haven’t achieved orgasm, and others have been on that ride but not as often as they’d like.

So here are five tips for reaching climax:

Woman's hand counting to five

1. Empty your brain. Okay, okay, I know some of you women are clutching your sides with laughter. The notion of a wife, mom, household manager, worker, and task-master shoving everything out of her brain is like me suggesting you lasso a hurricane. But get your rope ready, girlfriend, because I believe in you!

As long as you have other things running through your brain besides your arousal and love and connection, it will be hard to climax. So how do you “empty your brain”? Start by preparing for sex, doing what you need to do to focus on the marriage bed. Then shift your mind away from stray thoughts that try to pull you away and onto what’s happening in your body and with your husband; this is a process you’ll likely have to practice. Meditate on the sensations in your body and lean into your pleasure.

By the way, one of those distractions you don’t want running through your brain is concern about whether or not you’ll climax. Thinking about pleasure and thinking about climax aren’t the same thing. Focus on your feelings, and then let the excitement happen.

2. Get to know your body. In one sense, female orgasm is pretty straightforward in that stimulation of the clitoris, direct or indirect, is what leads to that Squeee! moment. But how your clitoris likes to be stimulated is specific to you.

Which means that achieving orgasm means you need to experiment and explore how you like to be touched. Some wives like to try a bit of this on their own first, as personal education, so they can better instruct their husbands later. Or a husband can simply try a bunch of different touches — varying pressure, stroke, angle, location, etc. You can also work together, with you touching yourself and then letting him mimic the motions.

But it could be well-worth your time to take a lovemaking session, or two or three, and find out what really gets you revved up. Many husbands are very willing to give this a go, if you let them know you want to increase your excitement in the bedroom. During this time, don’t focus so much on climax as learning what gives you extreme pleasure. Extreme pleasure should eventually lead to climax.

3. Ask for what you want. Raise your hand if it feels awkward to speak up for something you want during sex! I see all of you out there, and years ago I would have raised my hand too. But honestly, how’s a guy to know what feels bad or good to you unless you tell him?

If you really want him to stop that good-heavens-doesn’t-he-know-I-hate-that move, you have to speak up. Of course, you should use your nice words — something like, “That’s a little too much pressure for me. Could you touch me more gently? I think that would really turn me on.”

Then when your husband really hits the sweet spot, let him know. As if that man just shot a nothing-but-net basket, you should cheer him on. (You go, husband! Well done.) You can leave out your pom-poms (or not), but tell him with words, moans, happy noises, or a little mutual pleasuring when he’s doing something that arouses you.

4. Change it up. The next challenge is that even when something feels totally awesome at the moment, you may need something else a minute later to keep you rising toward that peak. I feel for husbands, because some of them treat our woman parts like a genie lamp — thinking that once they find the right place and way to rub, they can just keep doing it and the magic will be released.

It’s more like rub a little here, rub a little there, harder here, softer there — yeah, like a moving target at times. But hey, your fabulous hubby is up to the challenge, and you can let him know what your body is craving for. Help him vary his approach and keep you on the path toward the peak.

As your excitement increases, you’ll likely want greater pressure, faster stroking, and maybe additional stimulation elsewhere — such as touching or kissing your breasts or digital penetration. If your arousal reaches a plateau, change something up and see if that gets you climbing again.

5. Fogettaboutit! As I said before, one of the climax-killing things you can do is worry too much about reaching orgasm. Do you want to get there? Sure. But worry tenses your body and makes you less responsive to arousal.

So once you’re in the midst of sexual pleasure, just enjoy it. Get as much pleasure as you can from the experience, and be sure to pleasure your husband as well. Your ultimate goal is intimacy, and climax is only one thing that contributes to that one-flesh experience.

If you don’t get there today, you might get there tomorrow. Or next week. Or while at the in-laws’ house during the holidays (Wouldn’t that be a hoot?). But focus on your lovemaking feeling fabulous, and you may find the orgasm comes on its own.

So there are some of my tips.

Now what suggestions do you have for achieving orgasm? What have you found that works? Or doesn’t work?

Out of Commission?

October 23, 2014

DH told me after our long travel day yesterday that he had pulled a muscle… where?image

In his groin.  In his right ball, to be exact.

Pout.

Sigh.

Bleh.

He also knocked his head on the airport shuttle bus.

We also tussled a little on an issue with the rent car.  I was right, but I did ultimately submit to his decision.  I kept my mouth shut.  But he knows I was right and we could have saved $45.

Sigh.

Our accommodations are 2 queen beds.  He wasn’t making moves to cozy up to me.  I did a sultry strip tease for him, and then climbed in between the sheets of “his” bed naked.  I was kinda ignored.

Big sigh.

Oh, I so need cuddles from him... and so much more...

Oh, I so need cuddles from him… and so much more…

I get it.  Tonight’s not the night.  I ask him about his injuries without trying to sound so disappointed. I mention how much I need to feel his hands on my bare skin.  He tells me to spoon him and we drift off to sleep super early that way.

Sigh.

We worked hard today with the move.  All in all things went better than expected.  Everyone is happy, even Dad who often is quite critical and negative…  1707[1]

And we are on separate beds again tonight.

Sigh.

Hoping things pick up…

Here goes another strip-tease…

“Vacation” needs to get better…

Oh crap… he’s fallen asleep.

Happy to Be So Freaking Busy

October 21, 2014

 

I am about to enter life in the fast lane for the upcoming month.  Many things to accomplish, lots of work, lots of travel and possibly less time to indulge in my favorite pastime of writing on my blog.

It’s all fairly good stuff, I feel blessed (if not a little overwhelmed) by every busy day that is coming my way in the next weeks.  Getting my parent settled into a retirement facility; DH and I having a lovely tropical mini-break after the inevitable stress of dealing with said parental unit;  and then off to the third world for me, another mission trip.  Sweaty construction work, dirty/polluted environs, cold showers, spotty electricity, malaria suppressants, rice and beans and plantains at every meal–and the smiles of precious children, the good tired achiness after a day of labor knowing that perhaps in some small way you made another’s life somewhat better. We may not save all the starfish, but we can make a difference for the ones we throw back in the sea.

Many miles to cover, new stamps in the passport, perhaps some new adventures in old places.  This is my elixir, my renewal.

Not much kink… Lots of vanilla (sigh)… but quality time with my best friend, my sir, my husband.  Blessed he’ll be by my side for all but the mission.

There are likely to be some gaps in my blogging frequency, but don’t give up on me!  Lots to read if you want to drop back to where this all started!  I’ll miss keeping up with all of you too!

Hugs, DD

A Sub + A Strong Woman = ?

October 20, 2014

strong sub

I’ve written on the topic of strong-willed women before. And as I’ve “met” and gotten to know more subs here in blog land, I come away with one striking commonality:

We subs are, in most cases, strong women. Stronger than strong. And strong-willed.

We are smart, educated, well-read, traveled, and some of us handle or have handled pretty high-powered positions in the working world. We can “bring home the bacon and cook it up in a pan…” We don’t suffer fools easily, but can soothe a baby, a toddler, or a teen, with amazing tenderness, kissing away the tears as our own tender hearts break. Some of us have come from backgrounds where we learned some tough lessons at early ages that not all men are to be trusted, therefore we developed a “tough hide” and we told ourselves that we could only depend on ourselves. Everyone else had the potential to disappoint us, to fall short of expectations. Inside some of us were frightened and hurt little girls who felt we always had to have our dukes up, ready for a fight. When a man could seem “overpower” us it was like a sigh of relief… sometimes just temporarily.

By some miracle, many of us subs have also been blessed with a partner who IS trustworthy, who made a choice to love us the way they found us, and to patiently hang in there through the lowest moments of our inability to trust and let go, remaining loyal (if not quite frustrated) caretakers we could always depend on, whether we knew it or not. Somehow, they saw something in us we didn’t see in ourselves, and had the amazing patience to wait until we opened our eyes and CHOOSE to submit. These were incredibly strong men who weren’t out to prove they were stronger than us. They already knew this. They waited patiently until we realized and appreciated this trait. We had to CHOOSE, they wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

These are some commonalities I’ve come away with. Not all will fit these descriptions. Your story may be very different. But I am that strong woman who desires to be taken in hand, led, relinquishing control to my husband… without being required to lose my strength.

The last two years of my marriage and my life have been phenomenal, beyond anything I could have dreamed of. This is not to say they’ve been easy years, but the result of lots of hard work has been rewarding. It started with me asking DH to take me in hand, to be the Head of Household (HOH), my Dom, my Sir. I wanted to submit, I wanted to surrender (and I had lots of thoughts about what it would look like… and also a lot of confusion). It seemed like my life-long struggles to be loved and cared for were finally coming to an end. I wanted to give over to my husband of 20 years the control, and to serve him in a significant way. He’d always been in control of our family, trustworthy, hardworking. But I’d never acknowledged it appropriately. I had spent most of our first 20 years trying to “prove” that I didn’t really “need” him, but that I was willing to have him as a fixture in my life that I could manipulate at will—and that resulted in misery. It was no wonder that he had suspicions about my “new” change of heart.

For us, some of this Dominance or D/s looks like traditional marriage—a wife supporting, serving and respecting her husband. A husband taking care of his wife. I was hoping some of it would also have a BDSM edge to it, feed my inner sexual masochist, the need to be dominated sexually too. These latter have been the tougher road for him to negotiate, but he’s done an amazing job of learning my turn-ons and trying to accommodate them as a display of his willingness to speak my love language.

I’m still trying to prove to him that I want his Dominance (and his discipline), and that I can submit and surrender, and that I want to serve him. Some days I do a better job lucythan others. There are times that the old me rears up and the poisonous, treacherous thoughts of “control” rise to the surface. DH has yet to consistently take me to task on bad attitudes in a significant way. I truly believe by doing this, he’d set up a very healthy sense of his Dominance and control in this marriage. However, I know I’m a handful. I’m not easy to direct. I can be exhausting and frustrating at times. And he won’t force.

Lately, I’ve had some subversive thoughts. It is partly the “brat” in me, but also the control freak and the carpe diem girl. Tied up in all of that, there’s a little of me that fears the aging process. I don’t like the aging process, I don’t look forward to being “old.” I feel/see the subtle changes in my body, my mind, my energy (and my hair color!). I fight them daily by trying to remain fit, healthy, and maintaining a reasonable weight. At this time, I realize that I’ve lived my best years from a physical perspective, and I know the days to come are all gifts that I want to embrace. I don’t want to miss out on anything. I don’t want to become sedentary or complacent. I want to engage in things that energize me, and that usually involves helping others using my experience and background, and travel. The things I want to do and live can’t be done where we live. They can be done where I USED to live, where I believed DH had agreed we’d return once he retired. New horizons, new opportunities to reinvent ourselves in this new chapter of our lives. I was so ready… I thought he was ready…

But he’s not. He chooses to believe that he must stay “here,” in his hometown, for the undefined foreseeable future. When I try to communicate to him about this, I feel like there’s a vague promise that “someday” we’ll move on… he just can’t tell me when. Predictions on the timeframe of all this seem to slip constantly. I can only see dead ends and complacency staying in this status quo. And I am willing to compromise. He seems to want to maintain some sort of domicile here. If we can swing a modest and economical residence here while pursuing adventures afar, I believe we can both be happy. Perhaps we will need to spend some times apart to accommodate both of us?

Truly and honestly, I want to spend these next decades together with my wonderful man, TOGETHER pursuing new adventures, staying vital, and engaged in world quests… I want DH as the HOH, strong enough to allow me to follow dreams I’ve placed on the back burner, allowing me to be a strong woman because he’s a stronger man.

Can this strong woman and this submissive woman exist within the same skin? Apart from him I know I would feel incomplete. Yet remaining in a place where my dreams and adventures can’t be played out also makes me feel incomplete.

I don’t know the answers. I sometimes do not know how to reconcile these two parts of me.

And I don’t know if it needs to be an either-or choice.

Sir Knows…

October 12, 2014

Dom knows

It started with instructions to meet him in the bedroom, robe only, on THAT chair.

A blind fold.

His wonderful fingers.tumblr_msh2xeEGRS1shr4v3o1_500

His hands.

Sighs and gasps and moans of pleasure.

His tongue.

Floating.

Climbing.

Explosions.

Bent over the bed.behind

Taken hard, my favorite way…

From behind.

Exquisite pleasure, punctuated and drawn out with sharp spanks.

A quivering mess.

His hot pleasure.

Entwined in his arms, floating, dozing, safe, comfortable.

LOVE THIS MAN.

Sir knows how to please his Kitten.

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