Grateful… but… I Still Want My Butt Whipped!!
All in all, things are going well for DH and me. We are getting along better than ever, and for that I am grateful. I try to bat away the errant thoughts in my brain of what I think I WANT with an effort to feel GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE.
- He is much more physically demonstrative: hand holding, hugs, ass grabs, lingering kisses, cuddles in the morning, sitting together on the couch, leaning into each other when sitting close (i.e., at church), daring grabs (uhm… this morning in Sunday School he grabbed my ass and I do believe someone saw this…).
- We are having sex “regularly” (meh… once a week is better than it was but not as much as I’d like)
- He actually read some things I’ve sent him and it resulted in some amazing sex (I need him to read it again).
- He tried oral on me and didn’t die or act disgusted (and I have been telling him what an awesome, wonderful visual memory this has been for me ever since).
- He tries to spank “erotically,” and while it’s good… I want so much more!
- I am submitting in attitude more, and finding I like it (and I believe he really likes it)
- We are appreciating humor together (most importantly, I’m laughing at his jokes, or acting surprised when he whispers/says something bawdy or suggestive to me, and then joking back). Humor is SOOOO important to him (and was always something that made me feel put-down or ridiculed as I grew up, so I’ve always been wary of it). I know that being able to laugh together is really important.
- Our overall dynamic is improved–I try to listen more and refrain from TELLING him what he SHOULD do. In essence, I’m allowing him to be the man, the leader.
I DO want to focus on all this good. Yet, I can’t help but think about the rest… Fortunately staying super busy gives me much less time to think about the rest… But it’s still there. A while back, I wrote an email to a follower who had some commonalities with my situation, and just re-read it. I thought it would be a good post, since many of these thoughts still buzz around in my brain:
I am glad you found a way to make it (Domestic Discipline) work. I’ll have to say, that maintenance spanking seems even a more confusing concept than discipline spanking to me. I can’t even explain it to my husband, much less myself. It would seem contrived–or part of play. And, as long as we have kids around (last on the way to college in the fall, and now the older ones home for the break), I seriously doubt DH will find a comfort level with DD or consistency. He’s enjoying the renewed relationship, a nicer me, and we are getting along and appreciating each other much more. The sex has improved but I’m talking improved from essentially nothing. I think I wrote in the blog we were at -1 on the scale of 0-10… and moving up now towards maybe a 5. He’s spanked a few times during sex… tentatively, sometimes amazed at my turned-on response or even stepping it up a little when I tell him it’s too light… but he’s yet to pull me over his knee or over a bed and spank forcefully… it’s usually in an embrace and he reaches around. There was one episode in recent months where he acted forcefully and demonstratively and I LOVED IT and told him so… but that is not his norm. He likes things soft and consensual, no power plays on his part. I continue to analyze my desire to want to be spanked to the point of tears and a butt that will feel it for a day or two… but each time I read someone write about that, I “get it.” The secure, safe, comforting feeling… In Fifty Shades she feels that way after she’s first spanked, and she really doesn’t even want it! But I related. And I cannot get him to understand this. It is pretty weird by the world’s standards… and even in Christian standards. He cannot wrap his brain around the idea of hitting me until I hurt or cry. It is WRONG to him. I get that too… He realizes that my dad was a very mean man who abused me–beatings until I was 12, then it was emotional and mental abuse after that and to this day. I think he just can’ t understand why I’d want him to act in any way like that (even though in my mind he wouldn’t be acting out of control and mean like my dad… he’d be doing it lovingly, with an eye to improving things by being a authoritative leader who still respects and loves me). I know a psychologist would have a heyday with me.
I don’t want to nag him or harass him. He always does well with humor, so we joke around a lot and he “pretends” to threaten me that he’ll spank me in a funny way, usually over something trivial–that being part of the joke. I “pretend” to be naughty… but it’s all done in a humorous way (like tonight when all of us were in the living room watching TV, he passed by my chair and said something to rile me, and I scratched my nose with my middle finger where the kids couldn’t see me but he could… he made some eyes at me like I was “in trouble” but it was all just joking and teasing). A part of me feels humor may be the only way I can help him along… but it may just be his way of avoiding it altogether. I also send him things I find on-line, and he usually says nothing about it until I ask him if he received it, read it and what did he think. Avoidance has always been his style, his way of dealing with issues that are difficult. He also makes a good point I can’t argue against easily– since I “like” being spanked or want it… won’t I be a brat to get him to do that? I tried to explain a real spanking won’t be something I’d seek out… but in a way, I do get how maintenance, or reminder spanks (where he says “this is because I’m in charge honey”) would cover that. I know he’d not get it.
I find myself seeing so many situations in which I can visualize I deserve Discipline spanking… not because I purposely bratted, but because I did something wrong–disrespect, or not having discipline about something. Recently it’s been my frustration over reaching my weight loss goals… I’ve plateaud and have been unable to lose the last 20 of the 95 I pledged to lose starting last February. I’m getting weary of the dieting, need some accountability, and for the first time in my life I’m asking him to help me on something food related. And he’s just ignoring me (I know he doesn’t want to go there… he’s afraid he’ll upset me or make me mad, he doesn’t want to be the food police– but what I want from him is the encouragement and cheerleading to help me stay on track; to an extent he does that by working out with me… but not with food). So, somehow I’ve tried in my mind to phrase it convincingly to him: “Do maintenance spanking and I’ll stay on my diet…” Sometimes I think he must be thinking “I’m liking the sex, I’m liking the nicer wife, but she has a screw loose about this spanking thing and hopefully if I ignore it she’ll get over it.”
Sigh… do I have a screw loose? I think my “inner circle” of best friends who read here would say so. They still love me in spite of it :-) However I can’t help feeling what I feel. Married Man Sex Life had a post that listed the desireable qualities of a good woman… and one point was a woman “Is aware of her own personal kink and can communicate her sexual desires. Takes responsibility for receiving her own sexual pleasure.”