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Fast, firm, strong, exciting, a little scary… but somehow magically safe and consensual

March 16, 2013

I’m a little bit on a posting binge here, as I have some rare down time. This will all be over with a vengeance on Monday morning. But it’s an opportunity to allow the creative juices to flow, and to contemplate my world.

DH and I had our nice, scheduled sex on Friday morning. Very, very vanilla as progeny were all still asleep upstairs. I’m still unable to achieve O by his hand, and need to take over. I hate having to do that, but as I explained to him, he had gotten me so damned close (then pulled back (oh sooooo soooo frustrating) and at that point I was going to cry if I didn’t come). I thanked him for his efforts, said I know how tired he must be getting, may I please finish? As soon as I exploded I impaled myself on him and took him a little by surprise. As he began to tense a mere minute later, I pulled out. No, no, no!! Hold on, my darling. This is a very, very nice stiffy and please let’s not waste it. I kept up the tease to help him to last and I could see in his face this was conflicting for him not to automatically give in to his O. It somewhat distracspooning[1]ted me from my pleasure because I was on a mission to help my man slow down, make it last, and enjoy.

As I slumbered this morning, I found myself awaking at that ungodly 5:00 a.m. time, when he usually slides over for the a.m. spoon-cuddle M-F. He’d already gotten out of bed and was off reading in the LR. I found myself wishing he’d come back in to have me, but tried not to get my hopes up.  After all, we’d just done it yesterday.  At about 8:30 a.m., I hear him return to the bedroom. I hear him close the door and make sure it latches (!!!). Oh my, do I dare hope? I hear him go into his closet where he keeps the V. I think I hear the rattle of a pill bottle (!!!!!) oh please, oh please!! and then the run of sink water.  I see him lean in to drink from the faucet.  YES!!!!!!

He gets into bed with ice cold hands and feet.  I’m a furnace.

“Are you awake…” he begins with some sweet neck kisses, trying not to startle me with his ice cubes. “I’ve just taken a pill, and we need a little time for it to take effect…”

I had to restrain myself from jumping up and down on the bed and giving a cheer.  But I immediately nuzzled into him with lots of happy sounds and told him to warm those hands and feet up on me.   When things start up, he makes a half-hearted attempt at my clit, I need to lube, and the next thing I know he’s on top of me.  It feels good to be taken, even if my arousal isn’t where I’d prefer.  I try to get off in the thought of something I saw/read recently on Bedroom Submissive’s blog  about a missionary position being the ultimate of submission.  He says very firmly that he has to come now… we may have been just a minute or two in, but this time I hold back my wave of disappointment and try to go very, very sub on this.  “Yes, honey, I want you to come…” I affirm.

To his credit, he doesn’t do the flop off of me and zone out routine.  For the first time ever, he actually comes back to manually make me come.  And again, damn, damn, damn… I can’t get there.  Even on my own attempt.  What the hell?

Still… very appreciative of his surprise, and trying to milk all the D/s I can out of the fact that he made the decision to come and take me this morning, and to come fast.   Not that I want a steady diet of him coming fast and me not with an O… but the mind fuck of it is good.

We go on another long morning walk and treat ourselves to a coffee… and on the walk I try once again to express my needs for D/s, and would he please consider trying “playing” and “scenes.”  He makes that reluctant, scoffing laugh that frustrates me, because he’s immediately jumped to the conclusion that I’m not appreciating him.  I express my appreciation for this morning, and any move he’s made in that dominant direction (it IS slim pickings, but I do my best to point out examples of him being dominant).  He comes back at me with some comments about how can he be dominant if I’m telling him what to do all the time?  Whoa.  Busted.  I tell him, “topping from the bottom… do you know what that is?”

“I don’t think I want to know…” he says.  I explain it anyway.

“It is hard for me.  I don’t want to do that… but I also think you don’t understand what I’m hoping for, and I just want to give you ideas.  There is, of course, lots on the internet you can look at… I do, and some of it is very extreme and not where I want to go… but the best analogy I can think of is walking and running.” (he’s a runner, talks about the runner’s high a lot).   “We enjoy this walking, it’s good for us and we like to do it.  We’ll keep doing it.  However, sometimes you want to run… to get your heart rate up, to feel on the edge, to feel a little pain, to push yourself, and to have that runner’s high, the release of feel-good hormones.  That’s what play/scenes would be for me… stepping it up a little.”

So, there you go.  I have to now use my brain and allow what I said sink in.  He always needs a day or two, even if he’s scoffed at whu18307536[1]at I’ve said.  I need to remain patient.

I then get an email of one of my favorite posters… the one my husband also is getting emails from: Married Man Sex Life (MMSL).  I really like this guy– he talks like a guy, he feels like a guy, but he gets women.  I think he is big on the committment of marriage, but he’s human and admits his weaknesses.  He also gets that we all need to work at marriage and keep it good. His humor is the type my husband appreciates.  There’s a funny video to watch.  Then I start poking around his site and come upon a great series of posts… and one in particular that seems to describe in man-language what I want.  So I email my DH:

You probably got this one today also, and it’s funny. It then led me to read a few more of his related posts. This one I LIKED and hope you’ll read: http://marriedmansexlife.com/2010/10/sexy-move-rough-sex  (and his whole series on “sexy-move” is pretty good for grabbing ideas).

I love you so much. I love our sex together that draws me in closer and closer to you. I love having fun with you. I love being creative. I love being on an exciting journey with you and moving up the continuum and exploring together. “Bottom line” is that I don’t want you to be afraid of hurting me, because you never in a million years could, I know this. I like it dominant, I like it rough, and I love that it’s you. Sometimes I want it “fast, firm, strong, exciting, a little scary and seemingly on the edge of out of control, but somehow magically safe and consensual.” (using MMSL’s words).

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