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Can He Ever Be My Dom???

April 2, 2013

546_wise-man-spanking-wife[1]Way back in August, as I was just learning about (Christian) Domestic Discipline, Dominance/submission and all of its variations, I posted something about my musings: CDD, TTWD, Taken in Hand… And what do the men think of this?  This was written just before I raised the topic with my husband.

 I didn’t get too many responses, as I had hoped.  I wanted to be able to give my husband a dominant man’s point of view on this… of which there are many out there in blog land.  I ended up sending him to a lot of “prominent DD blogs” to hear what husbands had to say (and wives’ testimonials).  It did nothing for my husband.  I think he was actually a bit turned off.  It was a “kink,” something aberrant, something too strange to consider.

 The need I expressed in that blog has not changed, and it’s only intensified as I’ve read more about other couples’ journeys along this same road.  Except in my case, my journey never left the tarmac.  We’ve been taxi-ing around on the ground, the very vanilla ground, for well over 7 months since I asked my husband for Domestic Discipline and even erotic spanking.  He’s made a few meager attempts to spank me… never very hard, never painful, never truly dominant.  He clearly saw it was a turn-on for me and obliged as well as he could, but I nearly need to beg for it.  I’d say that once or twice a month he’s spanked, a little.  I can’t count on it, and I’ve watched my orgasms slide away into oblivion with our pleasant, vanilla sex. 

 A reader recently commented on that original blog:

 I think spouses should spank their spouses if that is what switches them on whether it is the wife or the husband.

I am not sure about discipline though as that would be trying to change their natural behaviour. One can accomodate spanking one’s spouse in the sexual realm but to be asked to discipline them, presumably for faults, changes the marriage and the ball game in my opinion.

I can’t make my wife want to be spanked and I don’t think one can make their spouse want to discipline them. We cannot control or change our spouses even they they should accomodate reasonable sexual needs which I think spanking is.

 

Now, what all of us women who desire DD or D/s or Taken in Hand want, is a total change in the ball game.  We want the dynamics to change, the paradigms to shift.  We want our men to take charge, become dominant, become the head of household– and authority over us. 

 But whoa… this guy’s comment stopped me in my tracks.  After 7 months of trying to convince my husband, I didn’t want to face the fact that I couldn’t MAKE my husband want to discipline me.  And I couldn’t MAKE my husband go Dom in the bedroom either.  I could try to convince him, I could cajol him, I could beg him… but ultimately, he wasn’t going to go against his pacifist nature, no matter what I needed. 

 Bam.

 This is a sad thought for me.  It is so simple, but so true

 I suppose some who have been reading my blog would like to point out there have been some steps forward in other areas with my husband.  I mean, at this time last year, leaving him was definitely on my radar screen.  I gave him an ultimatum.  No sex, then no more marriage.  I wasn’t going to live in a platonic marriage any more.  This was a “reasonable” request in a “normal” marriage.  Had he said no, he couldn’t deliver… then there were legitimate reasons to end the marriage.  And I would have been no worse off than I was.

 So, yes, we have sex now.  He’s made strides in becoming more attentive and a bit more romantic.  Many times it’s actually good, it’s sweet, and it’s a physical connection I’ve long been deprived of by my husband.  But it’s lacking in many ways. This physical bonding led me to fully come out of my kinky closet to him to ask him for D/s.  It led me to trust him enough to lay my will down at his feet and give him complete power and control over me if he chose.  He just kept rebutting my offers with “You’ll never do that…”  I’d try to act submissive, I changed my attitudes (fully realizing we can only change ourselves).  He noticed and he liked… but it just made him more affectionate towards me, not more aggressive. 

 I’m faced with the stark, simple realization that he can’t give me what I want.  I’m faced with the even starker, blindingly obvious realization that I’m a woman in my fifties who is unlikely to find another man with compatible interest whom I can trust and love.  I have to face it… as I look around me: in the gym, in restaurants, in public places… I size up men now and think, “even if that fairly handsome guy my age would offer D/s, would I be interested?  I think I’d be horrified and shocked if a strange man ever propositioned me with that.  I need the trust that you only gain from a long-standing relationship with someone. 

 What to do…  I know that unlike my commenter and his wife, who agree to accommodate their kinks sexually to give each other pleasure (“she knows the sex afterwards is always breathtaking…”), I don’t have that dynamic.  His desire NOT to spank me or dominate me outstrips his desire to give me what is most pleasurable to me.  Do I settle for this?  Take what I can get?  Just “appreciate” the good and stuff down all this other “stuff?”  The deep discontent may just consume me over time…  Is it even possible, as I once was counseled by a professional when I went with the problem of no sex from my husband… “sex probably won’t matter so much in another few years.”  I was 42 at that time!! Yikes!!  surprised the heck out of me to get THAT advice!).

Are we at an impasse?

26 Comments leave one →
  1. April 2, 2013 10:36 pm

    You know what your heart wants.. I’m very sad that you’re at this end-pass…..
    Open your heart to him one more time and let him know that your marriage is on the line.
    You want to have D/s with him…
    If he rejects you .. Try again.. If its not working ..its not working… Sometimes D/s can show us that our mates are no longer what we crave….. Sooo sorry.. I’m here to talk!
    ❤❤❤🐇🌴

    • April 4, 2013 7:09 pm

      Thank you for your thoughts. I need to step back and consider the whole picture, see the forest. I’m so hyper focused on wanting a certain dynamic for us in this marriage, and my personality is impatient and headstrong. I intend to keep trying. It may never be 100% what I WANT it to be, but what’s most important is that it’s what we BOTH want. Keep a good thought, and chime in with those ideas! I do envy that this has worked for your marriage, but I need to acknowledge it might not work for mine in exactly the same way. This is a most curious desire we have.

  2. naturalysubmissive permalink
    April 3, 2013 7:33 am

    I’m not sure if I can help with my comment as I’m about 20yrs younger than you, and I have always felt a natural submissive response in the presence of my man, ever since our first time meeting. I’m usual in the leadership or independent role in the rest of life, and if I’m not careful I will dominate those around me without even thinking about it, so feeling submissive inside was definitely confusing for me at first, nice though, very nice.
    Anyway, what I’m getting at here is that he did not “do” anything specific to force me to feel this way for him. He is simply a very confident, self assured man, who is comfortably in touch with his masculinity. I’m a confident, self assured woman, who is learning to be in touch with her femininity. (Confident + Assured usually does not = feminine in our world)
    So, from our first encounters forward I was always just compelled to do the little stuff, ie: bring him his coffee in the morning, get up and make coffee at 6am so he can sleep a few more minutes and then get up to a fresh pot of coffee, clean the house, make and serve dinner. It doesn’t happen every single day, but it does happen most days, and it awakens and satiates my submissive feelings. He quickly picked up on the fact that I would comply to his requests and started asking me for little things, like “Sweetie, would you go get me a beer?” or “Could you run to the store for me?” We never sat down though and agreed that I would comply, I am not :”required” to do anything, I just do this because I love him and it makes me feel soft and nice inside to live this way.
    Now, we have been living together about 2 1/2 yrs, and we moved in pretty quick after meeting each other. It took him awhile to feel comfortable scolding me for misbehavior, but he has always been pretty fair about it when he does, and he’s gotten much more comfortable with it as time has gone on. Last summer I began trying to explain my desires of being spanked, and disciplined. FAIL Big huge NO
    He didn’t want to hurt me, he doesn’t want to treat me like a child, how can he discipline me by spanking me if I enjoy it, it isn’t healthy, and the list goes on. Forget it, it’s not going to happen, ever, not for real. A bit during sex, with not purpose and no pain, fine- but that’s it! Also, to make it worse, he got pretty distant for awhile too.
    I let it go, but I kept bringing him coffee, because I needed to, just to get that “fix” it gave me. I kept getting up to make coffee, I kept doing laundry, dinner, cleaning, excetra. I didn’t change anything, and I gave him his space.
    About six months later he slipped a wooden spoon in his back pocket before walking in the room and asking for a BJ. A few weeks later he gave me a few stings from his belt before sex. A month or so later I did something pretty dumb, it wasn’t hurtful, but it pissed him off, and with some prompting on my part I got my first “real” spanking from him. The conversation went like this,
    him- “So what are we gonna do about this anyway?”
    me- “I don’t know, why don’t you just turn me over”
    five minutes later- him- “Don’t light that cigarette, and get over here now”

    It took awhile. AWHILE To get there. If I showed him the blogs on the internet it would probably have taken even longer. Things have moved in baby steps, tiny little baby steps, and I have learned to give him space, and time, to figure it all out on his own. If I push it we start to backpeddle, and fast.

    That’s my story, I think we all walk this road in our own time, in our own ways. Fantasy doesn’t cross reality as well as we wish it would, but the journey along the way is special, no matter where our paths lead us.
    Just saying, Hope this helped.

    • April 4, 2013 7:16 pm

      Thanks for your response. You have a lot of wisdom in your words for a “younger” lady. It sounds like your patience is also far superior to mine. A very, very weak trait for me. And I do feel that some of us are just naturally wired to desire this dynamic, it’s nothing in particular that has be “done” to us, but it’s been trained out of us to be submissive… it’s a dirty word. We are in a pretty screwed up dynamic right now… I value women’s rights in that it allowed me to be a confident, independent career woman at one point in my life… and that I had the opportunity to work hard to be whatever I chose to be… so it comes as a hard lesson that what I’m actually wired for does not come so easily. Men have be reprogrammed to believe they should not act dominant around women. They get in trouble for it. Lots of mixed messages. As you say, it’s all in the attitude we have towards our partners. Actions speak louder than words. And your wisest of all: “we all walk this road in our own time, in our own ways…”

  3. April 3, 2013 9:34 am

    This post reads very much like the lead-up to my divorce. My ex and I realized over time that we were too sexually incompatible. That was the driving factor behind the divorce.

    I hope you’re able to find a way through the impasse. Divorce sucks. Bigtime.

    • April 4, 2013 7:28 pm

      I hear that loud and clear. Divorce must suck. And I will do all I can to avoid it. Although it’s just a technicality, I never intended to divorce him, nor do I plan for it to ever happen. At one point in this marriage I didn’t know how I could continue without a physcial relationship… and if he didn’t want a physical relationship with me, it made no sense to co-habitate if we weren’t meeting each other’s expectations. I intended to seperate from him but remain married in name–for a number of reasons such as financial, insurance, but most of all our kids. I at least wanted the option that we could “come together” as a family as our kids grew and had families of their own… rather than a messy divorce/remarriage situation. Would I have been open to other men in that situation? Possibly, but I don’t know that I planned to go looking for it actively. Bottom line, I wanted the least amount of hurt all around if we chose to lead seperate lives. I cared for him too much to hurt him.

      No offense intended… I’ve read some of your blog and it seems to me that sexual incompatibility was perhaps what set the stage for difficulties… yet wasn’t agreeing to an open marriage (other sexual partners) the final blow that sealed the divorce? I can clearly see that once you allow others into intimate relationships with your spouse, it’s over. How can there ever be trust again? Therefore, while I know no one is affair-proof, I realize it would come to no good end (open or covert) and wouldn’t be tempted to go that route.

      Thanks for your support. I too hope we get through this impasse, or whatever it is. Maybe it’s a molehill made into a mountain? When I wrote it a few days ago it felt big. Today is a new day, and my newest post will put some things into perspective.

      • April 5, 2013 8:03 pm

        Yeah, the sexual incompatibility is what began the fall of my marriage. I definitely don’t recommend opening the marriage unless it’s something you both want to do when your marriage is at its strongest.

  4. Belle of the Library permalink
    April 3, 2013 10:01 am

    I’ve been reading the Red Pill blogs for a little while now, and this is an outside perspective, but I honestly think that these “successful relationships” practicing Red Pill ideology are just extended role play. I’m not convinced that you CAN change the very foundation of such an established marriage. Some men are just more willing to wear the space cowboy costume to bed than others. I think your husband is trying. He’s giving you sex. He’s unwilling to hit you. I wish more people in my life had been unwilling to hit me. He’s coming from a place of love, regardless of whether or not it’s in the form you want to receive it. I know you WANT to be spanked, but he WANTS a wife who doesn’t want to have sex as often and is comfortable with vanilla. He’s meeting you in the middle and that’s pretty sweet of him. I’m sorry you’re unhappy, but it sounds like you’re married to a good, if docile man, just like he’s married to a good, if slighty kinky woman. It’s okay to be different, even though it sucks a little sometimes.

    • April 4, 2013 7:32 pm

      Touche! I hear what you’re saying. Thanks for laying it out so clearly… with a nod to the fact that it sucks a little sometimes. Indeed he is coming from a place of love… we’ve struggled all our married lives to understand each other’s unique love languages. What we need to do more diligently is try to get more fluent in SPEAKING the others’ love language through our actions.

  5. erin permalink
    April 3, 2013 10:09 am

    Well as a follower of your blog and your book, which by the way I am waiting on bating breath for the next set of chapters…I LOVE IT…..

    I have to say this….
    First and format I am man despite the spelling of my name. I am a dominant. My wife is a dominant…yes many conflicts and left me at an impasse as well, instead of divorcing her I cheated on her. BIG MISTAKE. We have been trying to mend ourselves for over a year and it is still hard.

    Our stories are very similar, very much so. She a good Christian girl, me a free spirited late bloomer who had no issue in trying to find affection and desire I needed in the naughty girls before I met her. Hence setting a stage of wants and needs and like you stated on your blog, gave a place for others to have that should have been reserved for only 1 person. I Married her to try and redeem myself and within 12 years realized that she could not deliver MY needs of her submission. After begging and trying to make her realize I needed EVERYTHING from her, it never got thru, so I began to look elsewhere and found it. the hugest mistake of my life. Well yes the affair was huge mistake, but the fact I was so selfish and determined to have MY NEEDS MET was so incredibly anti-GOD. How dare I think my needs are more important than Gods desire for me or her needs.

    You see, we live in a world where we think we own this world as the human race. Therefore how dare God create this need in me without a way to meet it. Whoa…wait a minute….whose world?…nope not mine… If we believe in God then we have to believe He created everything and controls all of it. I like how this preacher states it… (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8Rn353k6PY), we are stealing God’s air. How dare we assume that we are so good that God should allow anything bad happen to us. That is exactly what this world wants us to believe…..but my dear it is quite the opposite….how dare our need come before God’s, even our breath of air is a gift.

    For one – Adultery, only if the spouse is unrepentant and unwilling to change and never do it again is reason to leave the spouse. If your physical being is unsafe there is reason to leave him, but if your reason to leave him is because the sex is not good enough or the kind of sex is not want your need is then you need to evaluate where your stance is with God.

    You see, as much as I WANT my wife to submit, (unless I live in Oman or some other part of the world where I can MAKE my wife submit legally, I don’t think I can do that here in the US….without spending a lot of time with a number as my name in a nice cinder block room with a very big hairy bald guy with lots of tattoos….) I can not make her. So where does that leave us with “needs” and no options in our looking at it as humans?

    Mmm, lets go to God’s word Jeremiah states in the Message version, I like this because it is plain and simple.

    “I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

    12 “When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen.

    13-14 “When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.

    “Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.” God’s Decree.”

    So what does Gods word say….when I get SERIOUS about finding HIM and wanting HIM MORE than ANYTHING ELSE, HE will MAKE SURE I won’t be disappointed!. It says nothing about taking matters in my own hands. Making sure MY needs are met are not part of the equation at all. In fact In Luke 6 and Philippians 2 it talks the just opposite, Seek the others needs first.

    So the way I look and see this is this, When I seek GOD first in all things, HE is either going to GIVE my desires to me or HE is going to CHANGE my desires but only after I am serious about seeking HIM first.

    So your impasse is this….are you willing to get serious in seeking GOD and meeting your spouses needs or are you willing to stay on course on getting yours met first? I can tell you from personal experience, the later is an ugly road and one that nearly all people don’t come back from. Divorce is not in God’s plan AT ALL. It can be saved, if Jesus can come back from the dead, He surely can save my marriage, but only if I trust Him to.

    I will be praying for you.

    • April 4, 2013 7:39 pm

      Thank you for this perspective. It is really appreicated. I absolutely believe in seeking God first… it’s putting it into practice that is tough sometimes. As I responded above, divorce or infidelity is nowhere on my radar screen, even though in times of desperation I can go there in my mind (and in my blogging–almost the same thing) in an effort to search for something “better.” Maybe there isn’t anything “better.” Maybe I even realize that. Maybe I read too much about others who enjoy the D/s dynamic and work together well at it.

      Thanks too for following my book! There’s lots more coming… and I’m pleased a man is reading my book. I had hoped there would be enough besides steamy sex scenes to attract a variety of readers, and not only those into pure erotica. I’ve done a lot of research to make it as factual, authentic, historically accurate and believable as I could in many respects. Please recommend it to others… I’m trying to see what kind of following I get as a “test market” strategy for the follow on sequels…

  6. snowdrop17 permalink
    April 3, 2013 1:05 pm

    I feel for you. Marriage after 20 years can be such hard work. I would love my OH to dominant me more in the bedroom, he’s already quite dominant out of it. My problem is do I still want to be with him in 10 years when I no longer find him remotely attractive now, dominant or not? And the alternative? Like you I feel it takes a long term relationship to build the trust, not gonna happen overnight.

    • April 4, 2013 7:55 pm

      Trust is unappreciated when you have it. When you don’t have it, you wonder if you can ever find it again. I’ve been in plenty of situations and relationships, starting with my own father, where I couldn’t trust. I can never lose sight of the fact that I have never trusted a man more than I do my husband. He is so throroughly trustworthy in most areas (although remiss in taking care of our husband-wife bond). I went through a stage where I too didn’t find attaction for my husband… and I discovered how wrapped up that “feeling” was in the state of our emotional distance from each other. Because I felt angry, resentful, rejected, undesirable… it colored how attractive he was or wasn’t. After so many years of him not pursuing me anymore, I’d built up such thick walls and there was virtually no more connection between us other than our kids…. and I had finally stopped desiring him or feeling attracted. I had come to the point where I felt I had to protect myself. It wasn’t until I a) lost the unhealthy weight I’d gained through depression eating and started to feel sexy and good about myself again; b) gave the ultimatum that this marriage could not continue platonically, that I NEEDED sex from my mate: and c) WILLED myself to show my submission and prove to him how pleasing it could be for him to be in charge… that the feelings of attraction returned for me. Even a year ago I would not have believed anyone who told me that I’d ever feel attracted to my husband again. He knows now that I trust him and count on him to do his part to maintain our husband-wife covenant. He’s risen to the occasion. Now I just hope for him to rise to the headship in our relationship with dominance.

      I don’t know enough about MMSL “Red Pill” method, but in a way I think we both sort of did that on our own, but for different motives than to raise our “sex rank.” I returned to the attractive, thinner and fitter girl, and he’s now showing an interest in his diet and health. We’re working on being the best we can be for each other. I forget to see that as a major positive.

      I hope you can step back and examine the attractiveness issue in your head. Is it due to feeling emotionally hurt or unfulfilled that you’ve lost the attraction? Is there anything you can do to regain it? When we wives feel sad and emotional, it’s hard to be attractive.

  7. Blondie permalink
    April 3, 2013 2:01 pm

    I think you should stay married and faithful. Did you not make vows at the altar? Has he been unfaithful?

    Yes you should practice submission as my wife tries to. Does that mean you have to be punished. What have you been reading?

    I reckon that if you ditched trying to make him dominate and punish you he would be far more open to spanking you in an erotic way. I think if you settled for that and ditched the other I guarantee it would become highly erotic over time assuming you are made that way.

    • April 4, 2013 8:07 pm

      I agree. I did make vows. He’s not been unfaifthful nor have I been unfaithful.

      I am trying to practice submission. I’d like to feel more dominance from him… it sort of goes hand in hand! What have I been reading? Well, lots and lots of blogs (see “Blogs I Follow”) where men and women have this great dynamic that I covet.

      And maybe you’re right… we work in the erotic as a means to the end. I encourage you to read the testimonials of many women who asked their husbands for Domestic Discipline or D/s dynamics… the sense of peace, calm, well-being comes across for them all. Some of us really want to be taken into hand by a strong man who we trust, who is in authority (and not an authoritarian). I get that men have been re-wired in this society NOT to be that way, thinking they were responding in an egalitarian way with the modern woman. So, some of us women (me included) are trying to tell our husbands that this is NOT how we are wired when it comes to our marriage. Sure, I can be Alpha and in control in my career and in other areas of my life. I’m not a weak, simpering, airbrain who can’t make a move without her “master’s” command. In one of our more fruitful talks, he once said, “I can tell you to take over sailing the boat…” and I agreed wholeheartedly. If he wants me to take over from time to time, I will if I can–but because it’s at his beheast, and not me being dominant over him. Between us, in our marriage, I am asking him to be the boss. And to spank me. It’s really that simple.

      • Blondie permalink
        December 6, 2013 1:00 pm

        Well I am the boss in our marriage but I don’t spank her. She works to be submissive. I have tried spanking her for erotic purposes but she is not wired that way. I am as it happens. My job is to listen, try to understand and then make a decision.

        I am suspicious of what ones reads on websites about DD. Some have an axe to grind and will say anything to justify the lifestyle.

  8. Experienced Husband permalink
    April 3, 2013 4:46 pm

    Reading this blog is reminiscent of writings on marriage by a supposedly celibate Catholic priest. I also get the feeling that you’re too demanding. In many ways, you also seem equally as rigid in your demands. In particular, you seem to be putting the cart before the horse in a confusion of means and ends. You come across in print more fixated on spanking than on marriage. Whether or not you believe me, it’s not going to work that way. The marriage comes first.

    First and foremost, marriage is a commitment. Before we took the plunge, my wife and I agreed to do whatever it took to make our marriage work. As the issues came up, we talked and listened to one another. Eventually, among the topics we discussed was spanking. In her matter-fact-way, my wife let me know the day would come when she was going to need and would probably deserve a good spanking. While she didn’t like the idea, she admitted they were sometimes necessary. In time she also informed me that the best remedy for a difficult woman came in the form of knowing she could have man’s belt taken to her bare behind over her objections.

    Today, I can’t remember the last time I spanked my wife. It’s been that long ago. One reason is that we got our marriage straightened out early. To be sure, we’ve had our rocky moments. There were times when we wondered if we’d made a mistake. When those times came, we fell back on our commitment to each other. If it was going to take a spanking to get us back on track, we arranged a time and place to take care of business as privately as possible.

    Another problem I see is oblique comparisons of your husband with past lovers. This is thoroughly detrimental to marital stability. At the same time, I am wondering whether you really expect you marriage to last. I cannot help but wonder whether you are looking for some excuse to leave so that you can find someone better able to meet your needs.

    Yet, no matter where you go, the burden of your emotional baggage will go with you. Only next time, you will have an additional comparison to make. While your husband may be a failure in your eyes, he will nevertheless become an additional comparison in your eyes.

    The real question is: Will you ever be satisfied?

    Most women in domestic discipline relationships will tell you that getting spanked isn’t much fun. The things hurt and, even in private, they’re at least as little embarrassing. To make matters worse, especially with today’s husbands, the first one is usually really awkward the thoroughly unpleasant for both parties.

    Nevertheless, on the positive side, once couples get through the initial adversities, spanking really has the potential for improving marriage. As a result, if you decided to bail on your husband, be up front with whoever comes next.

    In your case, I’d suggest getting the first one over early in the relationship. You might even want to consider getting your butt beat before you spread your legs. One reason, from what I can tell, comes from the fact that you need to get rid of all of the baggage from your past relationships. You also need to be motivated part with that attitude. I suspect that you’re you own worst enemy at this point.

    Underneath the pretentious fascicle and manure of relationships past, you’re probably a remarkably charming and vivacious woman. So, get dump it before Mr. Right dumps you.

  9. April 3, 2013 10:08 pm

    Wow– I was not expecting so many responses. All through my busy day I was reading them on mobile device and feeling very encouraged, and in some cases, approriately chastised. From Experienced Husband I felt downright spanked right through the computer screen.

    Thank you all– I want to respond to each of you because you all made some good points and gave me things to think about, which is what this blog is all about. I’m at my worse here, I’m at my most selfish and my most demanding. In real life I don’t think you’d recognize me, as my life is usually spent thinking about others before me. It’s this safe, anonymous place that allows me to release all of those “unacceptable” thoughts… all the self-doubts, frustrations, fears and questions I normally stuff down so that I don’t nag or belittle or come off as unreasonably demanding. I am grateful for those who respond in a helpful and encouraging way.

    Alas, work is calling me now… and I have to wait until later to address each of your comments individually…

    But to EH, I DO know you’ve spent some time reading my blog, and yes I come off like a brat sometimes… but you have to acknowledge (rather than lecturing me) that I too view marriage as a committment, and that I am here, after 20 years (of which most of it was largely without sex or affection from my husband) still trying and not giving up. * took the vows with lifetime in mind, not until the going got rough. I found a dynamic that I believed could help my marriage, and in some senses it has–mostly due to changes I’ve made in my attitudes towards my husband. That I wished he could give himself over more fully to this dynamic is not a sin nor is it selfish. It is a desire to improve things for both of us, and yes, sometimes it feels like a “need.” All I know, that in the moments my DH even jokes about disciplining me… I go all warm and submissive and attentive to his needs/wants. I’m happy that you and your wife had this so neatly packaged and tied up with a bow from the start… but we didn’t. And yes, clearly I have a ton of baggage (we both did). I have a lot I guess I need to feel forgiven for (even though my husband basically did decide to blindly “forgive” when he said we would not look back but look forward–he had no desire to know about my past sexcapades). And quite frankly, I think you would admit that a good sound spanking (or two or three or more) would probably go a long way to setting me straight and give me a major attitude adjustment, and if you knew my husband you’d be telling him that.

    • Experienced Husband permalink
      April 4, 2013 4:30 am

      For what it’s worth, you’re not the first wife to admit/confess that getting a few spankings from her husband would go a long way toward improving her marriage. All things being equal, wives are more likely to realize this before it ever dawns on their husbands.

      Usually, when the need arises, I try to not advise husbands apart from their wives. I firmly believe in open and honest communication in these matters. After all, they are the only two people capable of straightening out their marriage. All I try to do is to facilitate a meaningful discussion.

      Inevitably, there comes a time in every marriage when the wife needs to be straightened out bare bottom over her husband’s knee. What couples do when the time comes determines the fate of their marriage. Things tend to be less awkward if the couple has forthrightly discussed the matter in advance.

      • April 4, 2013 8:20 pm

        EH, you confuse me. I sense your frustration over my frustrations… and you call me down on my selfish whining (and I accept being called down). Then you get insulting. Will I ever be satisfied? Hmmm. I hope so, but then again I hope I always aspire for more…
        As for my past and my baggage: sure as hell that all plays a part in who I am. I’ve seriously considered trying hypnosis to eradicate those memories, because sadly, they never dim. About the only place I ever discuss the past lovers is on this blog. Never with my husband. He was clear that we would start our (late in life) marriage with a clean slate going forward, he saw no sense in exposing or dragging the old baggage in… and he was right. But nevertheless, for good or bad it made me who I am and shaped my desires.

        So just because we have a couple of decades of miscommunication about our needs under our belts, do you advocate holding the status quo? Accepting things the way they are if they’re not working? We’re old dogs who can’t learn new tricks? If that is what you think is too demanding, then you might need to stop frustrating yourself by reading my blog.

        But you won’t… because you know I’m right. You know my husband should want to spank me, discipline me with the unpleasant discipline (I’m not fantacizing it’s all fun) and get my ass straightened out so that I can be the woman I’m meant to be for him.

        But I’ve made a covenant, vows, and I will do my utmost to remain in this marriage, trying always to make it the best it can be. I have to start off by working on myself the best I can be. It helps little to talk about where to start at the beginning of a marriage because we’re past that.

      • Experienced Husband permalink
        April 4, 2013 9:17 pm

        Even if you don’t discuss them with your husband, I cannot but believe there are inevitable comparisons in your head that poison the well. Moreover, affairs in the head – as with the husband you wish you had – can be just as injurious to the marriage as those physically consummated.

    • naturalysubmissive permalink
      April 4, 2013 7:21 am

      I just read your post, and I think I may have some advice that will help. -Tell your husband why you feel you need to be spanked. Tell him how it will help you settle. Tell him how you feel now, and how you would feel after he spanked you. Tell him about those dark, inner feelings that your afraid to reveal. Explain to him that giving you a spanking when you get all wound up inside helps you to unwind. Explain honestly how receiving spankings from him will benefit you in a very real way.-
      The reason I say this is twofold- 1st- I’m willing to bet he doesn’t really understand fully why you want him to spank you. Maybe he see’s it as just some kink, or maybe he thinks he has to find a “good reason” and being a disciplinarian in that manner makes him uncomfortable. However, he undoubtably loves you very much, so if he realized that assuming a more domineering role, and helping you feel better inside by tanning your hide he might be more open to trying it. Right now he may see it as a sexual kink, which is not such a pressing issue to him, but if your honest and explain to him this is much more of an emotional need to help you feel balanced and secure in life he might be more open to giving it a try.
      2nd- Make it a habit to be open and honest to him about how you are feeling inside. Tell him you are so frustrated inside that you were considering having another affair, or possibly leaving him, just to end the frustration you were feeling. Admit that to him, and apologize to him for that too! When you are feeling pent up inside, tell him, so he can address your needs for some release. Tell him everything, and stop holding things in. Make that one of your “rules”.
      I know I’m young, and I haven’t been married for twenty years, but I have had a few relationships with men in my short life, the one I’m in currently is by far the absolute best, I feel sure this will be the last man I’ll ever touch. I do my absolute best to follow the above “rule”, and that really has made all the difference, really. Also, when I finally got up the guts to explain to him why I needed to get spanked I soon found myself receiving exactly what I asked for and then some. We sound a lot alike, the world thinks I’m “wonderful”, “so nice”, and I grind everything that isn’t between my teeth. It was downright cathartic to be able to spit all my dirt out into the air for the one person in my life I trusted and loved the most to hear.
      Hope this helped, and good luck in your journey.

  10. April 4, 2013 8:36 pm

    Thanks for your thoughts. If you get a chance to read through my very copious writings here, you’ll probably see that I have tried to explain things to him. What the benefits would be to me, to our marriage… and how I’d feel his love this way. It just doesn’t compute for him. He can’t understand where I’m coming from. It’s as if I’m speaking a foreign language to him.

    I also want to clarify–I’ve never had an affair. When I said my vows with this man 20 years ago, I was in it for the duration. Better and worse, richer and poorer, vanilla or kinks. Well… maybe not sexless marriage. That I never anticipated. And thank God that’s turned around for us. It’s obviously not going to be a journey that will happen overnight. Lots to repair.

    Telling him that I might leave has never been a good strategy. In the past, when I’ve intimated it, it at times got a short-term response from him, as if he was a trained animal… but then it faded away into deeper resentments. I truthfully have not considered cheating in any serious way… not how I’m wired. I’d have to know that things were dead and over for us before I’d be with someone else. It’s the same courtesy I’d expect from him. Threats are never a good thing, real or not. However, in a teasing way when we’ve bantered about my “misbehaviors” and how a spanking would set me straight… he’ll be evasive about his part in that and I’ll say something like, “well, if you won’t spank me, maybe I need to finds someone who will….” it was a tease, but I saw it got his attention for a nanosecond. But it’s an empty threat. Does it bring up a visual in his head of someone else spanking me and more? I don’t know. I actually believe he trusts me this would never happen.

    I know you are advocating open communication, and I couldn’t agree more on that. I am working towards telling him everything. I have to be merciful though, because sometimes “everything” from me can be overwhelming for him. I have watched him get very, very weary when I’ve spilled a load of “everything” to him. It has to come out in carefully measured doses, bite-sized pieces he can chew and digest. The spanking and D/s thing were big. He’s not been able to digest those, and they are a big belly ache for him I think at times. And sometimes, I truly think he does not WANT to hear everything.

    I may need to find a way to come to grips that my DH is not wired that way. Spanking may be something he does for me because I “need” it. But as things stand now, it’s just not in his nature.

  11. mybeahind permalink
    April 4, 2013 10:35 pm

    I wish we could sit down with a glass of wine and chat. Oh boy do I know what you are talking about!!!!

    Belle – DD is NOT role play but more about that another time.

    1) If he is genuinely ill ignore what I have to say.
    2) In reference to previous advice: anyone who has not lived in a sexless marriage has no frigging idea what they are talking about. The toll that it takes on a woman’s confidence and worth is massive. It’s passive aggressive abuse and docile men are famous for it. Been there.
    3) Sexual attraction cannot be forced.

    But

    1) Wake him up with a blowjob. Unless he’s impotent it will work. Quit beating yourself up and get what you need.
    2) Buy a good vibrator and use it in private. He should know about it but it’s not a ‘so there’ issue. You cannot approach this with a good perspective when a valid human need is going unmet.
    3) Ask him if you can have one night a week for sex. If he’s feeling overwhelmed it might break it up into bite sized pieces. If he agrees it would take the pressure off both of you. No options on this, no backing down. Sex on Mondays, end of conversation. His only way out is if he doesn’t have a pulse. Do not beg. Do not leave it until late at night. If you have to, set a time and he can go watch the news later. Make a poster for above the bed.

    You both are now less tense because the sexual frustration is diminished. Now deal with the other issues.

    Spanking. This Thing You Want To Do. Domestic discipline. Because you want this he has unfortunately now discovered another passive agressive way to not meet your needs. Tough one. No promises but here is a nitty gritty, base, visceral solution that’s worth a try.

    1) What’s in it for him? He has already established that he is not motivated to fulfill your needs just because he loves you. Find his motivation. I should put in a proviso here: find his motivation and retain some self-respect. He wants money in the bank? Tell him you need help. He doesn’t try, you don’t try. He wants a clean house? Ditto. Unless he’s a saint (and using sex as a weapon indicates that he’s not) there is something that’s making him angry. Ask him to help you fix it.
    2) Same goes for the stuff you do well that he’s taking for granted.
    3) He’s probably a basically good guy who got comfortable and lazy. Turn off the tv and go for a walk.
    4) Quit talking about feelings. He may feel cornered and unfavorably compared to other husbands who are doing DD.
    5) Feed him healthy food and give him vitamins. Sabotage junk food as much as possible.

    Sorry for being so earthy here, I’m a farm girl. Fat, contented, older bulls get lazy. Get him off the couch, find out what makes him discontented, and make an agreement to set aside laziness one day a week. You can’t do anything about the old part.

    We turned our marriage around. Email me if you like. It’s on my gravatar.
    Bea

  12. naturalysubmissive permalink
    April 4, 2013 10:40 pm

    I’m sorry for my confusion, I in no way meant any disrespect. I’m not sure where I got the idea that you cheated on your husband. I apologize. I truly did not mean to insult your integrity in any way. I also must commend you, if you spent 20yrs in a sexless marriage you should be deemed a saint and given whatever you want. You are a stronger, more determined woman than I am. Good luck on your journey, and thank you for both of your replies to my comments, that was really cool of you.

  13. mybeahind permalink
    April 4, 2013 10:47 pm

    Re reading my comments I realize that in my passionate response I may have overstepped the bounds of good taste and decorum.
    That’s me alright.
    Naturally Submissive, no offense taken on my part. Marriage help is why we’re all here after all.
    Maybe between the two of us there’s something that might help.

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