Instead of retreating to our separate corners tonight after dinner as seems to be the norm again lately, I followed him to the living room and asked him what he was up to. He was picking up his reading material, and I fully expected he needed his “solitary time” and was prepared for that let down. I said, “it’s OK if you need some down time…” He surprised me and said, “come here and sit by me.” We lounged on the couch together watching the news and after a while it got uncomfortably silent for me. There was so much buzzing around in my head but I didn’t know how to get it out, at least without that “vomit/explosion” mode going off.
I broached the subject of “future plans.” About this time last year we had a similar conversation, where I was dying to hear about his bucket list, the things he looks forward to in retirement, fun to have together, when the kids are gone. His head always seems to be around making sure the financials are in order and thinking about ”fun” is hard for him (and Athol posted THIS today which I have to think long and hard about… does my DH truly have confidence because he was a saver? Sometimes I think saving becomes an obsession… see how much we can save and never spend, well never spend for anything beyond necessities. I still drive a 7 year old minivan and will have no kids to haul around anymore. It would be so nice to have a fun car… Always living well within our means has meant some sacrifices, but if I die tomorrow and haven’t enjoyed the fruits of our labors… what good is that? Can you tell who the Carpe Diem person is in this marriage? I AM grateful we balance each other on this point… but I digress).
We fumbled around in our conversation a lot. I got him to open up a little bit on the time in his life that I think may have been a moment when intimacy walls went up for him that he’s never fully been able to pull down. I’m not sure if that’s truly the case, but he talked more about it than before at least. I was able to tell him in a loving way that I worried that he seemed sad, stressed and perhaps a little depressed at times. He laughed and said he was not depressed. We had some moments in the conversation where we questioned whether we ever were going to find contentment with each other. He at one point asked me if I wanted to leave, and I immediately told him, “I love you, I don’t want to leave you… but I don’t want you to be unhappy or feel pressured, and I don’t want to be unhappy with unrealistic expectations. I want to feel like we are going to have fun together, enjoy life, pursue exciting possibilities in our relationship.
I even threw a little Athol Kay strategy in there… I “confessed” that through the 21 years of our marriage when there was little to no sex and a lot of rejection and anger, I resisted all temptations to stray, 1) because that is not how I roll, and 2) because I’d made a commitment to him and our marriage. I told him there had been a few men over the years who have actively come on to me and pursued… and that I turned away and rejected the come-ons (this is true… in 2 cases I know that if I had flirted back something would have happened; in other cases when the hugs got too intense and the head-to-toe once-overs too hot, I literally pulled away and avoided those men like the plague). He actually seemed a little surprised to hear about this, not angry, and in a strange way quietly thankful. Manipulative of me? Maybe a little bit. But I have to say that I do agree that Athol has a point, that at some stage in a relationship you’ve got to kick up that relative worth factor and he needs to know that other men have at least looked and considered poaching his wife, and decide what he wants to do to “guard” what is his… am I worth it to him?
I even got the nerve up and asked him what he thought about Cialis for daily use (thanks to Wilhelm). I prefaced it with a very understanding talk about how I understood that it was NORMAL for a man his age to not have as much staying power and that there’s no judgment on that… but when there’s a way to improve something, would that be of interest to him? He asked me if I thought that would increase his desire for sex… and said (a little snarkily) he could also go get more testosterone to get him to a 19-year old level… but it all involved money (out of pocket); plus he doesn’t like the side affects (dry eyes and congestion?). My response was “I hear that at least ‘having that rocket in your pocket’ makes you aware of your sexuality… and perhaps more interested.” I believe the conversation was done lovingly and not demanding on my part, just questions for his consideration, and respecting his answers. (Here’s his true “Dom:” He’s pretty much going to do what he wants to do on this score… but I guess he sometimes forgets what his not sustaining an erection deprives me of… He can “naturally” get aroused enough to have his orgasm in under a minute and that’s nice for him… but not always for me. I didn’t insist or press my point, I just asked the questions, and often he will think about it and realize it’s something he could do for me).
I’m rambling a lot here… but putting aside all D/s (it’s becoming clearer to me that we really cannot pursue that in earnest until we get our other shit together… as much as I’d like to go totally submissive, if I can’t even feel he desires me, or whether he’s interested in a sexually active and passionate future together… how can I trust him to be my Dom? I need less sub right now to be able to engage in these “where are we?” conversations. Although, at one point he described a “missed signal” on me not wanting sex (huh?????? In what universe does that happen?) because one night I mentioned needing a good night’s sleep and would take Ambien… he thought he should let me sleep in the next morning, instead of “bothering me” (he sometimes thinks too much… that was the morning I got up to go to early church alone)… I looked him straight in the eye and gently said, “Can you think of one time in this past year I’ve not wanted sex when you’ve come to me? I promised you, my body is always yours, and I always want you.” He smiled a little and admitted that no, not one time.
The upshot of all this “communication” tonight is that I did ask him if he was at all interested in kicking things up in the bedroom and having “scenes.” I told him how I loved his dominant moves (and detailed the few he’s made that have been such a turn-on), and that I DO NOT WANT TO SCRIPT HIM… I want to be surprised… could he get his head around that? I mean, understanding the basics of what are turn-ons for me (bondage, blindfolded, spanked, dominant and rough), could he envision himself creating scenes to go with those turnons? He told me point blank about how uncomfortable he is when kids are home to even have sex…because they’ll be embarrassed… but that absolutely, “In 3 weeks, when they are gone, THERE WILL be scenes” (he’s included our vacation time in there, I guess… which means hotel/B&B sex also will be uncomfortable because someone can hear us).
Pause here for the happy dance I’m doing in my head… and yeah, down there…
“Don’t you worry the kids will be embarrassed?” he asks me. “No, actually I don’t… now I’m not going to make out with you in the living room while they’re watching, obviously… but if we go into our bedroom, shut the door, and they happen to be in earshot… well they are all adults now and if it makes them “uncomfortable” then they know how to walk out of earshot. But while I know parents having sex is disgusting to teens, I think deep down it’s a powerful, positive message to them that their parents love each other and enjoy each other sexually.” He shakes his head. I know he can’t get his head around that, so I’ll acquiesce and let it go.
This knowledge helps. At least to know there is a willingness in his mind. I had really, really begun to worry he was going into his mode of “getting by with the least effort.” And now I know that’s not the case. It’ll help me to stay patient and hopeful.