What’s a good bed? I’ve finally accepted that many of my morning aches are not left-over from working out, but rather needing a better bed.
We looked at TempurPedic. They are comfy… and I sure like the idea of something that will keep me cooler… but they seem to get really bad marks for sex. Funny thing is, most people want the better sleep and figure out sex in other places… Others have recommended Sleep Number beds. I don’t think we much care about the ability to raise the head of the bed, and I have my doubts about any bed system that has two separate sleeping surfaces, as I still want our “middle ground” for cuddling. Tuft and Needle has also been recommended, and I’m intrigued by them (American made, small business model, no middle man, fair price and good reviews).
What do you recommend, and why do you like it? And, how’s it work for “play time?”
Sometimes I write a comment on my blog, or others’, and think that it might not be a bad idea to post these thoughts. Since I have a new follower who expresses that she likes what she’s reading on my blog, I feel a special responsibility to anyone new here who is searching as a result of watching Fifty Shades of Grey, reading those books, or just a general interest in the lifestyles called D/s (Dominance/submission), BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism), Taken in Hand, or TTWD (This Think We Do). AKA, “The Lifestyle,” as some might say. There is so much floating around out there in blogland right now.
If you are married, I know you want your marriage to be the best it can be. If you are single and seeking, I know you want to find that great man who will “complete” you. If you are anyone else, you may be on my blog by mistake or out of curiosity, and maybe I’ve written something helpful, or that you identify with.
Just know where I’m coming from: I’m a monogamous, sexually aware, kinky, Christian woman in my 50s, married 24 years, who was interested in saving my dying marriage. Our marriage is renewed, D/s, fun, sexy, kinky-“BDSM light,” and wonderful now. If the blogging of my journey over the past 2.5 years speaks to you or helps anyone, I’m doubly gratified. What I am not: a hard-core BDSM’er who visits “dungeons” or attends public functions or parties where BDSM or other fetishes are on display; interested in sex outside my marriage; I’ve never looked at Fetlife (as I understand it, a service where people with fetishes hook up or converse). I believe in the vows and promises of marriage, and while I’ve certainly not always lived a perfect life, I have kept my vows to never stray outside my marriage physically (I can’t vouch for mentally, but we won’t go there now). I try my utmost to not judge others, but I accept that in stating my beliefs and preferences, it could sometimes be construed as judgement (I’m sorry, I do regret that our society has come to a point where stating your own views is considered judgmental of others, or that I’m required to accept everyone’s views to be considered tolerant or non-judgmental. My position is follow the golden rule. You do what you do, you have to live with your decisions and the consequences; please do not harm anyone in the process, treat others kindly, and even if I don’t agree with you, I’ll try my very best to reserve judgment).
Let me be clear: Fifty Shades of Grey (FSOG) is a fiction read and for some people, it was enjoyable; for others it was not. That’s personal taste, and as one of my friends said, it was “brain candy” for those of us who usually appreciate higher quality literature–in other words, it was easy and fun to read and titillating for the people who are already turned on by BDSM. Elle and many others I follow have written very eloquently on this topic, as have I (search “Fifty Shades on my blog for at least 5 posts dedicated to this). I liked it, even though most in my Christian circle would not give it a second glance. Even though it may not fit the qualifications of being true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8), for me it was edifying and even transformational. Bottom line: if what you read in FSOG “was not for you,” that is OK, it’s not for everyone.
I’ve mentioned another book in my blog, The Surrendered Wife. I credit Angel with turning me on to this book. It is non-fiction, and does not talk much about sexuality and definitely not BDSM or D/s. It’s more about the marriage relationship overall, wifely submission, and something not everyone will like or agree with. There are parts I don’t agree with, but I do agree with the overarching principles of how marriage can work better if you don’t have two control freaks going head-to-head over every little thing. I also tend to agree with the idea that men want to be respected, and many women like to feel cherished and led by a strong male, even if she can take care of herself just fine, thank you. If I were just starting out in my journey with “The Lifestyle,” I’d read The Surrendered Wife first. Surprisingly, this is a secular book.
If you’re here for the first time, you and your spouse (or life partner) may not yet be quite sure what you’re after beyond a better marriage (many of us don’t really know until we’ve somehow magically “arrived” or at least gotten to a semblance of what seems to work for us), but it will look different for everyone. I’ll be honest, I came at it wanting better sex (and the closeness/intimacy it brings) and many probably feel that way. I lucked out, that purely physical desire led me back to the foundational issues that had to be repaired in my marriage and my attitude. It involved hard work and major attitude changes. Some people DO NOT want spanking/bondage or any form of BDSM; they might want to heat things up in the bedroom. But to be completely honest and truthful, “heating things up in the bedroom,” either kinky or basic good sex (aka, vanilla) usually will ONLY come from a transformation OUTSIDE the bedroom in the attitudes of the couple. If he leads and you submit and follow in the day to day; when you relinquish your control freak or need to always be right; when you show respect and honor to him; and when you feel his reciprocal love and respect for you, THEN the improvement in the bedroom will follow. FSOG was a nice fantasy, but without giving you a spoiler, it starts out with the guy more or less forcing or coercing the girl to agree to submission, and in real life that WILL NOT WORK. LOL, most in that book doesn’t work in real life, hence fiction. Aside from some hot sexual scenes, I doubt most reasonable women believe any of that is realistic (or desirable).
If you are a woman who thinks “I don’t need anyone in my life, much less a man, to take care of me or tell me what to do,” you are on the wrong blog, my dear. However if you dream of having a man cherish you, honor you, pursue you, and love you with his whole imperfect being; AND if you are willing to make some hard changes in your attitudes and thought process, my thoughts and experiences on this blog may have some interest to you.
I’m so honored by anyone’s desire to read my whole blog, because it is huge (over 500 posts?). I don’t want to discourage anyone in the least, but I also tried to tag everything by categories (which you can click on the right side). 237 are tagged “Can this Marriage Work?” and only 104 are “Wifely Submission” (with a lot of overlap on those two categories). That can narrow down your reading a little. Earlier on, I wrote some sexy stuff from my past. I’m not necessarily proud of those episodes, but they are part of my story, of who I am now, and what I’ve had to work with and in some cases, overcome. I’ve kept most of it on my blog, even though I don’t particularly think these are edifying to my husband, who became aware of my blog about 1 year in (he still does not read much here, and I don’t think he’s desired to delve into the past much). There are times I just write about silly things like panties :-) or recipes. I’m now inspired to go back and re-categorize a bit to perhaps help others weed out the less helpful stuff.
Thank you for visiting my blog. I enjoy your comments, and sometimes I turn them into posts so that my other wonderful blog friends may weigh in with their wisdom, and so that you may also read what they’ve experienced.
The other day, I received the most heart-warming comment on a post I’d done back in August, The Marriage Equality Myth: aka, “Marriage Killer” At that time, I was getting a lot of traffic and saw it as a good opportunity to review my own journey.
In the wake of all of the Fifty Shades of Grey hype, and in an effort by many responsible bloggers who “practice” D/s marriages, I thought I’d give you the link to that post again. When I reread my thoughts, I felt like it was a truth I could stand by, and it had been a post I could still agree with in terms of the lessons I learned and wanted to keep learning about my relationship with my husband, his role as the “Dominant’ or Head of Household, and my role as a submissive wife (by choice). It truly is not all about kinky sex or BDSM… it’s a lifestyle, a “brand” of marriage if you will, that is very traditional, and actually in some ways a throw back to marriages of the past, with the added benefits of all that’s been accomplished in women’s rights to afford women with education, respect, stature, opportunities, and equal status in the work place. No woman needs to be in an abusive relationship, enslaved, or made to be a door mat to ascribe to this “lifestyle” (however there are perhaps some who want humiliation or degradation as part of their dynamic; I would not be one of those, I personally gain nothing that enriches me as human being through those practices).
This young woman’s words gave me great joy in that she had come full circle in some of her thinking, and seems happier for it. So fellow D/s bloggers, keep telling your truth! Not just the kinky, BDSM, play-scenes sexy stuff (all of that can be good, fun and enriching, but does not stand alone without the foundation of the strong marriage of love, respect, communication and strong leadership of the husband).
I am so happy for this couple finding the relationship that empowers them both to be the best couple possible, and honored and humbled that my blogging may have helped! If you are searching, please go back and read The Marriage Equality Myth: aka, “Marriage Killer”, and search other posts on my blog with “marriage” in their title. Click on those who comment and check out their blogs. I don’t have all the answers and I’m no “expert,” but I have traveled a mighty journey with many lessons learned in my search for marital happiness, and feel I’ve found the “holy grail.” I don’t do it perfectly and I am still a work in progress, but at last I feel I’ve found my “true north.” I welcome your stories, questions, and thoughts here!
I am so happy my husband suggested me to your blog. It is so detail oriented and explains why someone would want to be submissive to their husband and what benefits it has on their relationship and theirselves. He works on the rigs so he is gone 2 weeks at a time, last time he came home on his first day, I went through his phone and came across a dominant blog… and a “dominant submissive”, “50 shades of grey” google search. I was shocked. I asked him to tell me a little about it, I was not to happy but he supports me in all of my shenanigans so I was like hey, I will give it a shot. For the two weeks he was home, he was picking out my clothes, writing me notes that requested me to do certain things for him. I was not digging this. Everytime he would push, i would push back harder. I didn’t realize this was something he actually wanted to do. Everytime he would write me a note I would just think to myself “I’m not doing that. He can’t tell me what to do. I’ll be damned I’m not a doormat or a peon.”
*back story**** married since 1/1/14, 2 children (2,3 years old), known each other all our lives, believe we are soulmates. I have trust issues, controlling issues, want to be the dominant all the time. Due to a screwup on his part while we were engaged (already had our 2 children) called off our marriage and was about to call it quits but didn’t. Went to marriage counseling she preached the 50/50 it kept us content. We are happy with each other but always strive for more. Something is missing.
Now I realize that he is right. We recieved a book Love & respect for our wedding present. I read through it, he read some of it. I practiced it, and then somewhere along the lines of our busy life, I forgot. The book preached that the woman runs 49% of the household while the man runs 52%. Even though I understood it to the “T” I don’t think I ever practiced it. So here I am, reading your blog and FINALLY understanding that is actually what I want. I don’t like myself, I know I am an uptight controlling b-word. That’s not who I want to be though. I want to be the submissive, I want to make my husband happy. I want us to always work on being better for us and our children.
: “we’re in the sailboat, headed straight for the rocks. We both have our hand on the tiller. One of us wants to go left and the other right. We can’t agree, and we crash into the rocks because one of us can’t submit.”
^ that was my favorite part. Now I want to be submissive. So thank you, we will be starting early-on and I will be using your blog as guidance.
So, with the addition of new panties, some old had to go away. And, well, I have a panty addiction problem. What’s a girl to do? So I decided I needed to get this under control. I Googled it and am proud to say after 5 decades I’ve learned to fold my panties!! Very cool methods out there. Here’s hoping it lasts! Next–THAT drawer in the kitchen.
All it takes are a few sweet, lacy panties to boost a girl’s spirits! I’ve had my issues with VS (unreasonable body sizes, not representative of the average woman, promoting sexy lingerie to young girls with Pink line. And will they please stop sending me 3 catalogs a day with stick figure beings in dental floss at the beach), but I will accede that they have some pretty stuff once you find your size and style. Mine is large, and hip hugger. Ruched back is so flattering on your butt. I’ll wear an occasional thong or cheeky style for SK, but they aren’t comfortable everyday styles for me.
Oh, and if you have bigger boobs they do have some cute bras in bigger sizes without extreme push up, padding, or add-two-sizes. Perfect Comfort Shaping style is pretty and comfy!
Here’s to feeling sexy underneath all the winter layers!!
Sir Knight is on a roll…
With his paint roller.
We’re spiffying up the house, knowing that if we ever do put it on the market, neutral walls are in order. Meaning the Pepto-bismal pink one of our daughters insisted on at age 8 is thankfully going to become a soft, muted rosy-ivory shade.
SK told me last night he was headed to buy the paint in the morning, and I asked what color.
“White,” he replied. I swallowed and tried to hold in the biting remark.
“Uhm, what kind of white?”
“I don’t know… just white.”
“Honey, white is too stark and institutional. We need something with a little beige or tone in it, so it’s warmer…”
“OK, then you pick it out.” He wasn’t upset or insulted. Since it mattered more to me than to him, he was glad to turn the choice of color over to me.
“And, well, you know, there are different sorts of paints, but over top of that dark pink color, we’re probably going to need several coats.”
“Really?” he asks dubiously.
“Really,” I answer.
So when we went to the home improvement store today, with the millions of paint chips (seriously, how could all these colors exist), I was quick about picking the shade, and I asked the paint guy all the questions regarding best coverage, how many coats, etc… so SK would hear it from “the expert.” (Yes, it would take 2 coats).
[and SK cracked a good one– I was asking about black paint for some furniture re-dos, and said, “Are there different shades of black?” and SK whispered, “about 50 shades…”]
Once home, I asked if I could help him paint. I kinda like painting, and it was preferable to some of the other tasks I had before me.
“I’m fine doing it alone,” he responds diplomatically.
“So, that means ‘I’d rather do it myself, mom,'” I teased. He equivocated a bit at my joke. “Seriously, just say what you prefer. I understand if you’d rather I wasn’t in the way,” I reassure him.
“It’s not that… well, it’s just that in the small room the two of us, you know… Do you really want to paint?” Poor SK has two decades of “keeping the peace answers” in his back pocket, it’s a tough habit to break.
“No, it’s OK,” I say. I really try to let it go. He wants it to be his project. I get that.
At one point as I’m trying to focus on my other task, I realize he’s not asked for the masking tape. I ask if he needs it.
“Nah… I’ll be OK. Come up and see…” he invites me to see how he’s cleared the room out.
“I am happy to tape the floor boards and door frames for you,” I offer.
“No, I’ll just use a brush and it’ll be ok.”
“Are you sure? That’s hard to do…”
I gulp, and walk to the window to take down the curtain rod. “Where’s the screw driver?” I ask, as I prepare to take the brackets down.
“Uhm, DD, I don’t think we should take those down, we might not get them back up again.”
“But you can paint better with them off the wall…” I complain.
“I’ll paint around them. It’ll be OK.” I huff a little. It’ll be BRIGHT PINK under those brackets!!!!
“There’s a right way to do these things,” I say petulantly, leaving the room before I lose it.
“Yes, I know,” he sighs.
This is a HUGE divide between SK and me. I grew up with a perfectionist Dad, who was quite good at home repairs. I learned a thing or two, and I’m pretty handy at smaller home projects and assembly tasks. I want to be careful and precise, and sometimes I really get bogged down in the details and miss the overall project. I can feel judgmental about people who have a different way of completing a task. That need for perfection can often stall me out or cause me to drag my feet getting started. SK, on the other hand, did not spend much time alongside a handy father, and pretty much just got things done quickly and efficiently. He just got it done, and didn’t get bogged down in the details or overly concerned about perfection. So, we pretty much drive each other crazy in this way.
So, it is really, really hard for me to walk away from this without an opinion or a comment. The biggest difference is that although I’m still fuming a little about not having CONTROL, I’m not mad about it as I used to be.
I try to remember how defeated I usually felt by never living up to my father’s perfectionist standards. One time, I was washing his car… doing a good deed, trying to gain his approval… and he criticized me for doing it all wrong. He was incapable of gently redirecting me and “teaching” the “right” way or the “preferred” way. Getting the job done right was more important to him than a loving and supportive relationship with his daughter. And guess what? 40 years later that still sticks with me. Seems like I should have learned my lesson.
Sarcasm was frequently employed by my dad, and boy, did I ever pick up on that. You feel like you can “get away” with sarcasm because we can justify it’s just on this side of humorous, while still letting you be insulting. Sarcasm, plain and simple, is mean and degrading.
One of the hardest changes I’ve had to make in my road to surrender and submission to my husband, is watching my tongue–with not just him, but everyone. There are hundreds of scriptures about this, and these are just a few:
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1
“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18
“For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell.” James 3:2-10
“Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!” Psalm 141:3
“From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.” James 3:10
“She (the excellent wife) opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” Proverbs 31:26
And, the saddest thing of all, is that in spite of avowing we will NEVER be like THAT parent, we find ourselves repeating the same mistakes. I can be harsh and critical and opinionated, sometimes without even saying a word. It’s been the most difficult habit to change.
A discipline I’ve had to employ is listening to things I’m about to say with Sir Knight’s ears (or my kids’ or friends’ ears). Is there anything in what I’m saying that is remotely disrespectful of him, or inconsiderate of his feelings? We may not think so at first blush. I’ve had to train myself to be more and more mindful about using words that build him up rather than possibly tear him down. Not long ago, he’d been steaming about how I’d said something dismissive about his comment in front of another couple. I did not even realize I’d done it, and it was harder still that he’d let it sit for a couple of weeks before bringing it up again. I asked him to help me remember, but all he remembered was my attitude. I apologized, and asked him to please tell me as soon as possible after such an incident, so that I could be aware. I wish he would discipline me too… but that’s another matter.
So, I’m taking deep breaths and praying that when the room is painted, I’ll find some positive things to say, and appreciate SK efforts.
And, realize that yes, the devil is in the details.
Through the blindfold I see amazing things.
I float up out of my body and watch the symphony of our lovemaking– our kink– our sex.
I blindly gaze down from above, and see myself surrendered to you.
My arousal fills the air.
My trust is palpable.
You guide me with firm but gentle, loving but dominant hands.
Assured in the knowledge that I am yours, every curve and valley of me is yours.
To do with as you will.
To give me what you know pleases.
You lean me over, my derriere raised high for you.
You slowly peel my lacy panties down my quivering legs.
I squirm as your fingertips brush back up against my ankles, my thighs, my bottom, the arch of my back.
Your hands relentlessly assess my curves, brush my offered cheeks, dive between…
Then SLAP! Your palm delivers the delicious smack I crave.
My moans of delight and abandon fill the air.
The leather of the crop…
Rain down upon my skin as delicious tingles travel up and down my spine
And moisten my aching pussy.
And you do it all over again.
In my blindness I see it all.
You guide me to my back.
I watch breathlessly in the dark as your secure my limbs with cuffs and restraints.
I gasp wantonly as I feel you pull them tight.
Leaving me wide open and exposed for your eyes.
And my mind’s eyes see you caressing, kissing, pinching.
I see my nipple pucker into your mouth as you bite down and draw it in further.
My back arches off the bed as I mewl in ecstasy.
Your hand sweeps over my belly and finds my warm wetness.
Your fingers weave a piano staccato through my moistened folds.
The symphony of our lovemaking– our kink– our sex–
Crescendos as you fill me.
I see so clearly the storms of my pleasure rippling over my body
From my perch oh so high above us.
I go higher…
The waves crash, I’m taken higher as we surf the next wave even higher…
And I become one with you.
Bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh.
THIS is the journey you take me on with the blindfold.