Off to see the world. Happy to be traveling but not so happy with all of those little details you try to remember before you take off. Didn’t help that I took a temporary job for the past 3 days (personal “penance” for having the gall to have a nice car which costs more to fix… trying to do my part to pay for the new windshield).
Got to Skype with the CK 2, and she looks and sound well. That’s a relief. Poor wifi though, so we didn’t get to talk long. Still, pretty amazing considering she’s 11 time zones away.
CK1 is holding down the fort for a while, I think secretly happy not to get dragged around to museums and old churches.
TTWD has been on the back burner; oh let’s face it, it’s pretty much in the rubbish. It’s hard to keep up in less than ideal circumstances. SK turns into a really different guy when the kids are around. I’m trying to figure it all out, but I constantly feel shut out of conversations and as if he needs to have the stage/limelight with them. He loves their attention, he loves to make them laugh, and he loves to discuss just about anything with them. And it should be this way! It just that, well, in the process, I feel like he’s sort of pushed me behind him. And then I feel he encourages a condescending attitude towards me when I become frustrated not to have a voice in the conversations. A bit disconcerting. Plus the fact that SK cannot exert his physical Dominance over me right now. He’s also a bit frazzled as we pack and make sure all is taken care of at home. It makes for some tension and not a lot of connection. No sex since… geez, I can’t remember now. I’m doing my utmost to maintain submission, but snark seems to slip out all too easily.
All I can remember were some vivid dreams last night, and among them feeling a very, very hard cock up against my back and sliding into me and I know that I audibly groaned and sighed with delight during this dream because it sort of woke me up. It felt almost like I was on my way to an O. No, SK was sound asleep next to me, so it was just a wet dream that didn’t really result in much of anything other than some panting and wishing it could come true…
I’m bracing myself for the inevitabilitie of travel with 3 people–Two 50-somethings and a 20-something. There will be pit falls. We are trying to plan out “down time” for us all so that we don’t get sick of each other. In most cases SK and I will have a room to ourselves, but knowing him he won’t think sex is a good idea with CK 2 in the next room. She’s already “warned” us that we’d better not get gross. I think that means kissing in front of her. There’s a part of me that just wishes SK could look her in the eye and say, “get a clue, kid. I love your mom, and I’m going to be loving on her… so deal with it!” We are going to some mighty romantic places, so this will be hard to act like his roommate. His submissive roommate.
Sigh. It better be an awesome trip so that I can get my mind off of sex.
So no writing for a couple of weeks, unless I get desperate and start to use my thumbs on my phone… hopefully there just won’t be time.
Sleep was evasive last night as my “baby” was winging her way half way across the world to the third world. At about 5 am I’d had it with the tossing and turning and rose to check my spy-mom flight-tracker app. I stared with tear-filled eyes at the flashing image of her flight as it steadfastly put our precious girl farther from us and closer to her destination. I said a quick prayer.
Shortly after, Sir Knight came up behind me in the glow of the computer screen and placed his hands firmly on my shoulders.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, with good reason. 5 am is NOT a customary rising time for me.
“I just can’t sleep. I’m worried.”
“She’ll be fine. Come back to the bed and I’ll rub your back.”
Ahhhh. Feels so nice to hear his strong, reassuring voice, his firm direction.
“Yes, Sir,” I murmur and tear myself from the screen as the tiny blinking airplane makes its way across the Arabian peninsula. Why did they deviate their flight path from the more northern route? It sure doesn’t pay to know so much sometimes…
Once I’m on my belly with just my panties on, his soothing hands skim over my tight muscles, kneading the tension away. I surrender to his touch, grateful he is in charge. He slips his hands under my panties and teases my bottom. I squirm with delight. He lightly pats my cheeks and I sigh. He peels the panties down a bit and the pats become harder and stingier. I begin to moan my appreciation as the slaps grow more intense.
Suddenly he comes atop me, straddling my legs, pinning me down into the mattress. He continues to rub, slap, and tickle as I writhe under his Dominant moves. His hands reach under me and pinch my nipples; my back rises up to encourage the exquisite pleasure of the pain to continue.
Oh, how does he know what I need to distract my over-busy mind!
He comes off me and turns me to my back, kissing me firmly. His fingers dive inside me and he massages me inside as I mewl out my pleasure. Still, my body just can’t relent, relax, release enough to find a peak of pleasure that should rightly be happening with these splendid digital attentions SK is conferring on me. I just try to bask in the feel of his fingers taking what is his.
He tries the vibe, yet my O cruelly eludes me. He asks for directions but this morning there is no map for my meandering and reluctant climax. He allows me to take the vibe and still I only manage to crest the delicious advent of an O, but cannot tip over.
“It’s ok,” he soothes. “Too much on your brain.”
In one last attempt for release, I finally do cum in a disappointingly weak and unsatisfying version of a climax.
“It’s ok, we have this afternoon… And tonight…” He reassures me.
And all that really matters is that he is here, with me, loving me in this moment.
Waking up with my Dom… he takes me in hand, he knows how to center me. No better way to start my day.
The names and places have been changed here to protect the guilty.
“Christian, the college kids will be coming home next week for the summer. And since we’ve now downsized to a normal family home in the suburbs, we don’t have a play room. We can’t do kinky scenes. Whatever are we going to do? I need kinky play time with you! Cuffs, restraints, blindfolds, flogger, paddle, crop, me sore and pink…”
“Anastasia, don’t worry. Even though I no longer have the strength of 10 men, nor can I copulate 5 times a day in quick succession–since 5 Viagra in a row isn’t a good thing (and quite expensive)–we’ll be OK.”
“Well, Christian, you know how I could orgasm just by you giving me one of your piercing looks? That’s no longer happening. That little vibrator… well, that’s the ticket now. So don’t worry if you can’t do me 5 times a day. Quite frankly, I was faking it when you thought you made me come with nipple stimulation alone.”
“Anastasia, we’ll have a great scene tomorrow before the kids come home. And we’ll think of things over the summer to keep it going.”
“OK, Christian, thanks for giving it some thought.”
The next day:
“Five O’clock, Anastasia. Be ready.”
Dang. I hope whatever is giving me this awful gas will get through me by then. Nothing more romantic than tooting during a scene… maybe I’ll take a little nap.
Two hours later…
“Oh, dear, Christian, my belly really, really hurts… I think whatever we had last night is still with me, in a bad way.”
Christian has the gall to chuckle at me and be understanding.
“OK, don’t want you being gassy… We just changed the sheets, after all.”
“Pulease, Christian…” I scold with embarrassment and a lot of frustration. I was really looking forward to this scene!!!!
The next day…
“Shit, Christian. I just majorly pulled a muscle in my neck at yoga this morning (yes, Anastasia is exercising because her perfect figure wasn’t holding up to all of those fancy meals out, and her appetite eventually returned after having 3 kids). I can hardly move.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Anastasia. How’d it happen?”
“I don’t know. I’m just getting old, I guess. I’m so mad!”
“Well, you just sit here and relax today. I’ll get you the heating pad and some Advil.”
“Thanks, Christian, you’re wonderful.”
Later that day…
Hmmmm, I know what he means. Am I up for bedroom kink, that intense scene I told him I needed?
“Not a whole lot better,” I reluctantly respond. But damn, I want that kink and I’m so mad I can’t go there with this pull in my neck! And I don’t want him to hold back or be worried he’ll hurt me in the wrong way.
Damn, damn, damn!!
“Well, there’s always Thursday, the gap between when one leaves and the other arrives…” Christian says hopefully.
Yup, Fifty Shades of Reality. This is real life, folks. It isn’t all sueded crops and red rooms of pain and pleasure. Reality. Sucks sometimes, but with my Sir we make it to the next day. and hope for better.
Sir Knight has really been upping the acts of Dominance. I am getting quite a few more spanks than ever before: playful, arousing, centering, and dare I think it, even disciplining. It’s a dream come true for me that at any given moment in our empty nest, SK can raise my skirt/pull down my pants, bend me over a bed or chair; or over his lap; and pinken my cheeks with a delightfully stingy palm. Spanks are becoming as common as hugs around here, and his facility and agility in dealing said spanks is becoming wonderfully “natural.” I’d even venture to say he maybe enjoys it nearly as much as I do. Most sexual connection involves some spanks, and on occasion (perhaps once a week or so) I’m treated to a scene or a “scenette” that involves one or more of our implements: flogger, leather paddle, crop (still not much of that latter), along with blindfold or bondage (again, would always love more of this…). Total Power Exchange still remains a seldom-practiced act, yet one I crave and which helps my head space get right for true openness to pleasure, and subsequent submission. All in all, tremendous progress on the D/s front.
Sigh. Just what a kinky girl needs!
And now that time of year is coming where we will not be an empty nest for the next 3 months or so. It’s bittersweet because it means seeing CKs (college kids), who we do miss. CKs who have now been away from home long enough that home can sometimes get a bit stifling for them after a few days, let alone weeks.
And this summer is strange, because only one of the three will actually be living here. We won’t see CK 2 at all as she’s chosen to be on the other side of the world; CK 1 possibly will deign to make a visit now and again between internships and summer classes. Only CK 3 hasn’t got a plan (or a job) this summer, which is a bit unsettling to us all. And Ding, ding, ding, CK 3 gets the rare benefit of being an “only child,” AND being treated to a mini “Grand Tour.” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grand_Tour ) The three of us are looking forward to this very much, and even though I’ve been to all the places along the itinerary it will be delightful to see it through her eyes, and revisit some memories of my own. We just hope not to kill each other after 15 days of close quarters in planes, trains, and tour buses.
All to say, that the summer stretches out before us with the reality that our lovely kink must be stowed for all intents and purposes. I won’t be getting my daily spanks. Sex will become quiet and vanilla and limited.
This is going to be the true test of surrender, submission, and Dominance. As far as I’ve come in this dynamic, and as “successful” as our journey has been heretofore, there still remains this niggling little “need” in my make-up to feel Dominance manifested in overt, clear, physical ways. Traveling also is a lightening rod for us, as being the multi-lingual and slightly more traveled unit in this partnership, my “control mode” comes on strong. To she who can order from the menu goes the control!
I’ll be trying hard to view my travel strengths as assets and contributions to SK’s leadership; I’m “under contract” to him to make travel go as smoothly as possible, but he still gets the final call. Also, during these kink-deficit months, I hope that SK will come up with alternative ways to exert his Dominance and control with me. For the life of me I can’t think of many that don’t involve spanking… but we’ll need to work on this (firm arm holds; eye locks and and eyebrow arches; code phrases such as “I’ve got this, DD…” Possibly even sex where he somehow restrains me, pins me down, holds me still… ways to help feed my need to feel his physical dominance. Any other ideas out there?
I really want TTWD to become our new “normal,” not something that has to be 100% hidden away and only possible in the surreal empty-nest world we live in. Clearly there will always be the “behind closed doors” items; but even in the day to day living, to not fear that friends, acquaintances, and even family see something dramatically changed yet refreshingly different. I want to be unafraid to expose my surrender to him, and I’d like for him to be unafraid to exert his Dominance over me.
Most of all, I am reminding myself not to get panicked. To see this just as it is, a temporary hiatus in something that I’ve grown to desperately need in our relationship. A fast of sorts.
Here’s hoping I’m up to the challenge.
Today is an “off” day for me. I’m sorta mad at the world over silly things. But it nevertheless makes me a bit, well, bitchy. Power has been off at home since early morning. We spent the past couple days on the road for a funeral and other family stuff. Then a rock apparently hit the windshield of my new car and a huge crack just kept expanding–the new car SK wasn’t so hot on because repair bills and parts would be a chunk of change. Oh, and the scale was REALLY BAD NEWS this morning. To say I’m frustrated with the whole food-weight thing is an understatement.
So as SK joined me as we drove to the auto glass place for the bad news, I was bitching non-stop. I said “please don’t take this the wrong way, I appreciate you were being kind to bring me that brownie at lunch, but I didn’t want it and it’s hard when it’s in front of me. It will be so helpful if you don’t bring me desserts.” Well of course he still took it the wrong way. I even ticked off all the other ways I’d gone off the diet on my own, and ranted with some pretty raunchy language about why the F do we even try to lose weight, I’m just going to stuff my face at every fast food place we passed. I tried to express that all my frustrations were NOT about him, but the scale. And, well, my frustrations apparently were very evident with my driving, cussing people out, and getting impatient (which looks like race car driving, weaving in and out of all those stupid people who don’t know how to drive “right.”)
SK went silent all the way home. My frustration had hit the point of tears, and I again explained to him all that was knocking around inside of me.
Shortly after entering the dark house, as I was on hold with the power company trying to find out why the 2 hour repair time now had stretched to 5 hours and wanting to talk to a real person so I could give them a hard time… SK wordlessly grabbed my arm, swung me to the bed, bent me over and applied the leather paddle onto my yoga-pant clad derriere about 5 times, very, very hard.
I remained in position a few moments as he put the paddle away and walked off, also at a loss for words. A sort of “how dare you!” – “wow he knows I need this but wow it hurt” – and “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you sir!” jumble rushed through my foggy brain. Along with, “geez, I probably need 10 times that!”
I finally stood and followed him out of the bed room. The words were lost momentarily, in my shock.
Finally I quietly said it.
He quietly nodded from his chair.
I put myself into self-imposed time out on the patio, clear my brain, took deep breaths, enjoyed the wild breezes of an imminent rain shower, watched hummingbirds fly in to the feeder, and listened to the wind chimes (given by my BFF 23 years ago).
I’m too blessed for this “stinkin thinkin.”
And I thank God for my Sir Knight taking me in hand.
I think I need to give him an apology for Ms. Bitch making an appearance.
(and yes, it bugs me the creator of this left out the apostrophe in God’s)
Such a dire proclamation, you might be saying of my title. The lessons I’ve been learning for the past several years, and indeed when looking over the landscape of my past, seem to have proven this “maxim.” You see, I, like many a mere mortal, have always had a plan. Several, to be precise. Most of my waking hours are replete with plans on how I’ll bring something to pass, along with several variations: plans B, C, D…(LOL, anyone who’s read even a fraction of my blog knows this of me). If I ever mapped out a single one of my if-than-else flowcharts, I’m sure they’d fill up the side of a bus. And, I always take great pride when “my” plans come to fruition precisely as I had expected. When “my” plans don’t work out as planned… well, that certainly is someone else’s fault. There was some variable (or person) involved in the process over which I had no control. The “blame game” works very handily in this case. “Hey– if it had gone according to MY plan, it would have been PERFECT.”
Some variable over which I had no control…
Could it be SATAN?
(cue Dana Carvey and the Church Lady voice…)
Or, could it be God? The graphic above floated onto my Facebook page recently and it spoke volumes to me. Yes, we all more or less plot out a path before us and have reasonable expectations all will go as planned. Smooth sailing. No bumps. No detours. No blockades. And if we are honest with ourselves, life rarely happens this way. And if we are REALLY honest with ourselves, especially when you hit your 4th and 5th decades of life, there is some sense of relief that all did not work out precisely as we’d planned. Sometimes those roadblocks, detours and bumps were a saving grace that halted us from plummeting into a hopeless abyss along the path we perceived as “perfect.’ And sometimes we did plummet into an abyss and seemingly from out of nowhere a plan “presented itself” to help us out.
Man proposes, but God disposes. (or, Man plans, God laughs, from the old Yiddish proverb).
Or, As Garth Brook would so aptly sing:
Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers
Now this does not mean that we shouldn’t make plans, God’s word is clear on that point. We aren’t to just sit by and wait for things to happen, allow terrible to things to happen if we have any human means to mitigate such terrible things, or expect that with no effort of our own the desires of our heart come our way. Clearly God wants us to plan and save and work hard towards things that honor Him and further the Kingdom of God on earth. We can drive the car, but we don’t get to always create the route or even the destination at times. God’s GPS reigns supreme. As for the very real question of “could it be Satan?” Well, I’m willing to bet that if your plans are aligned with what you know to be right in God’s eyes and Word, than I’d say rarely. If your motive is love, true, selfless love (a la 1 Corinthians 13), I don’t think that you’re giving Satan any foothold. I believe that while God is in total control, he allows Satan some latitude, and that evil in the world exists, but that God does not have a hand in planning that. And, for some reason one of the things none of us will EVER understand in our limited human minds, is why bad things happen to good people. The issue many of us have a hard time wrapping our brains around is God’s part in the plan. He is going to work it however he pleases, and it will be perfect in His eyes. We mere humans, quite frankly, may never “get it.” But to try to understand that God already had this sewn up before we where knitted together in our mother’s womb, he knew every event and every second of our life in advance, can help our outlook. And, he reminded us in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans for your good and not your destruction, plans for a hope and a future.” Furthermore, in the Letters Paul speaks frequently about the pitfalls and difficulties we’ll all encounter, the need for endurance (don’t give up), and how to use them for good:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4
We also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. (Romans 5)
For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. Hebrews 10:36
One person commented on this graphic when I re-posted it: “God’s Plan sure looks more fun….a great excuse to go out and buy a new mountain bike!”
My own journey with renewing my marriage has been a true test case for all of this. When Sir Knight did not fall lock-step into “my plan” for D/s, I panicked, a lot. I pouted. I despaired. I worried a bit about whether God approved, and if this plan or idea was way out of His will. But I had a vision, fueled by too much time reading sensational blogs.
Lately our little D/s blog world here has become oh so wonderfully honest, real, truthful, and vulnerable, and I thank God for that. The key thing about all of this that I believe put me squarely back into God’s will was my honest and true efforts to surrender– to God, and to my husband. And the rest of the fun stuff came with that strong under-girding. Perhaps not “exactly” as I had planned… but better than I could have imagined. In recent years I’ve been making a genuine effort when faced with a detour or a roadblock to think to myself, “God’s taking me on a different path than I had expected or planned. I can either rail against it, beat my head against the wall, push that dead horse up the hill, or downright rebel; or I can just calm down, de-stress, say a prayer, and know that God has a purpose and a reason to take me through this alternate route. God’s got this.” It’s also forced me to think really, really hard about my motives and whether they are loving or selfish.
Mind you, I’m often not successful at this type of thinking. Type A, Control-Freak me messes this up, A LOT. It’s such a discipline. And I have some awesome friends here who come alongside and help me. But when I manage to surrender to God’s will, I can assure you it usually goes better for me. I am learning to focus on the journey rather than the destination, thinking what can I learn from this?
Maybe I’m still a far ways off from thanking God for the trials He’s sent my way, but I have to admit that more of these I work through, the more “mature and complete” I become.
Because without acknowledging God’s plan for me, I know that our own plans are doomed to failure…
Oh that squeeze is so good.
About one of the most erogenous zones of my body (aside from the obvious) is my ass. When Sir Knight grabs it with all his might, when he pulls me into him with his hands clenching my cheeks, I melt.
Sir Knight is also very into providing me with a variety of touches. While my favorite is a nice hard spanking, he also has made me squirm wantonly as he skates his fingertips like a whisper across my rounded cheeks and to my inner thighs… so close, but so far… again and again.
Sir Knight has also honed his techniques so deliciously. Along with the teasing, fluttering touches, he alters the angle of his palm and the area of impact. He’s begun to discover that sensitive little area just below the curve where my ass meets my thigh– such a wonderful sting! Then suddenly, butterfly tickles, followed unexpectedly by a resounding crack of his palm. He alternates this yummy torture with a leather paddle, a fur glove, and a sueded flogger (which is guaranteed to send me into subspace). Our riding crop has only had a few tries, but I look forward to him developing his technique there.
Every single tickle, rub, squeeze, paddle or strike sends out a flow of endorphins unlike anything else I know. And SK has begun to understand his power, his control of my body, to my delight. I’m just as apt to get a spank on my rear as I pass by him as a hug– and often both are combined!
Amazing how such a humble yet versatile part of one’s anatomy can bring such great joy!