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Why Would My Husband Want to Spank Me?

January 15, 2013

Open HandsA quick musing here–I am definitely not known for brevity, but hopefully I can express my recent thoughts (and frustrations) about Domestic Discipline succinctly here.

If I were a vanilla husband approached by a wife with a request to be spanked, what on earth would convince me to do this?  As the wife who is requesting this, I totally get all the blogs I read about how this will make me feel good…  how this may improve our marriage.  I am totally seduced by everything I read on the various blogs I’ve followed and those which have linked to my blog. I look for common threads, success stories, bursts of sanity in all this, and constantly remind myself there is no “rule book” per se, and that everyone else out there is just throwing out their opinions on this matter.

In my effort to try to understand why DD/TTWD/Taken in Hand is NOT happening for us after 4 months of actively proposing and supporting this request to my DH (by my efforts to allow him to dominate and submitting to him), I’m trying to get into his reluctant brain.  Even “playing” and trying it from an erotic perspective is just not jelling  for him.

He doesn’t want to hurt me (even though I want him to spank me hard).  He doesn’t want another child to have to manage (even though I try to convince him that’s not what it’s about).  This sounds like one more unpleasant chore to him.  I am not so horrible as to “deserve” a punishment spanking (sorry, I’m an intelligent, adult, grown woman… I can exercise self-control when needed). I rarely “make” my husband angry (although I know things about me or my disrespectful or dismissive attitudes may annoy him or frustrate him–he prides himself on his tempered attitudes, ability to compromise, and self-control–he LOVES his role as the “voice of reason” in our family).  Most ironically for him, is if I really want to be spanked as a punishment… won’t I be inclined to do things to “deserve” punishment (i.e. be a brat)?  This last one is something my DH really has a hard time getting his head around, and I admit I do too.  I don’t want to be a brat.  He doesn’t want a brat.

So then we go to stuff like “reminder” or “maintenance” spankings.  OK–those actually make a little more sense to me… I get to feel his authority over me (what I crave), and I am reminded he is HOH.  But so contrived and premeditated and I think very, very difficult for him to be comfortable doing on a regular basis.  He especially would feel like a bully spanking me “just because” or just to show me he’s boss (even if I want this).

Above all, my husband doesn’t have a kinky bone in his body.  Which is how he views all this, I think.  And even though I do have some kinky bones… our public lives just do not in any way, shape or form support this kink or lifestyle.  It would always be a deep, dark secret with the potential of making my DH feel very, very uncomfortable.

I’m not seeing a clear path here to what I want.  And it is frustrating.  Top it all with coming out of a busy holiday season that provided very little privacy (I see this same theme in other wives’ blogs), and him feeling more run down and fighting a cold… along with ED issues–we’re kinda at a low point.

Tomorrow is the first of our Wednesday morning “dates” where we will have the privacy to explore.  I’m trying hard not to get my hopes up too much for fear of being disappointed.  As another woman recently blogged– morning sex just doesn’t scream “hot.”  My ideal scene is a spanking that ends with dominant, possessive sex from him, orgasm for me, and ends with calm and peaceful cuddling at the end as we drift off to sleep. Not jumping up to start a hectic day.

16 Comments leave one →
  1. Experienced Husband permalink
    January 16, 2013 1:30 pm

    The two things that keep jumping out at me as I follow this blog are drift and trust. Absent periodic rejuvenation, couples tend to drift apart. That’s how they get from living on love to just being roommates. Daily routine becomes set in stone. Another factor is a breakdown in meaningful communication. Talking about what’s really important is essential. The dialogue has to be honest and ongoing. The other big factor that comes out in your blog is an absence of trust. It is imperative that you find out what you need to do to in order for your husband to trust you. For example, what assurances does he need that you won’t become pregnant? Would your getting a tube litigation or his having a vasectomy solve the problem? Does he need to see a signed, sealed, and delivered disciplinary contract? Would he be amenable to your finding a mentor – or would that possibility finally push him into finally taking you over his knee as if he means it? While I don’t know if any of the above will solve your problem, I do know that the two of you are the only ones capable of solving the current marital impediment. To do that, both of you are going to have to explore some unfamiliar and probably uncomfortable territory.

    Another thing worth pointing out is that once you start down this road, there is no turning back. While spanking may not save your marriage, neither of you can put the genie back into the bottle. It will expose your vulnerabilities to your husband in ways you never dreamed possible. The veil of feminine mystique evaporates. Decades ago, I discovered my wife’s deepest held secrets. I know things about her that not even her mother knew or best friend from college ever found out. At the same time, it has both brought us closer together and, at time, preserved our marriage. In public, we have been mistaken for a couple on a date. Yet, when the time comes to privately discipline my wife, she is not a happy camper! Her feminine wiles go into high gear. Nevertheless, when it over, our marriage is much improved.

  2. January 17, 2013 5:14 am

    I know this may sound strange and I hope I don’t offend you with this but have you had your husband evaluated for Low T. Some of the things you describe about him are classic symptoms. It is not uncommon for men in middle age and beyond. Just a thought….

  3. January 17, 2013 5:26 am

    Just read your prior post and saw that you talked to him about his testosterone levels already. Tell him there is nothing to be ashamed of if he is low, which it sounds like he is. ED, weight gain and low sex drive are classic symptoms and it is very, very common. Has nothing to do with his being “less of a man” or anything. Sounds like he is being overly sensitive to the idea. Replacing the hormone is easy and yields great results. Honestly I think its time you held his feet to the fire a little bit with regards to your needs and your relationship. Your marriage is his responsibility too!

    • Experienced Husband permalink
      January 17, 2013 11:09 am

      Most probably because of my age and length of time I’ve been married to my first wife, I’ve injected testosterone every couple of weeks for years. I didn’t mention testosterone in my original reply because, for me at least, it wasn’t a magic cure for anything. My wife and I interacted as we had done since we married. We just weren’t doing it as often and still don’t. I can’t even remember twice a night!

      Originally, I suggested the possibility to our family doctor during a routine checkup because I was feeling tired. He ordered a blood test. When prescription gels didn’t put me in the normal range, he referred me to an endocrinologist. Every three months, I go to the endocrinologist’s office for a follow up. Every year, he updates the prescription. Life goes on. I don’t know that anyone outside the medical community and our children knows or much cares that I’m not the man I used to be. Through it all, my wife has been very supportive.

      • January 17, 2013 6:42 pm

        Thanks Experienced Husband–

        How old are you? Just curious when a man decides to tackle the T question. Your wife is lucky you took care of things yourself. As for the trust you mentioned– yup, I know that’s a problem for us, but we have never fully gotten to the root of it all, it’s so evasive. But no worries for pregnancy–not only am I beyond that, he had the V done very early on in our marriage (at the time, against my wishes as I thought I wanted more kids… ah, yes, yet another trust issue). And, LOL, I had to look up what a mentor was… which leads me to believe that you possess some knowledge of the BDSM world you aren’t divulging? Oh my goodness, NEVER in a million years could I find someone else to spank me! Even if I ever could do that, it still would feel like cheating. Spanking is about as intimate a think as sex.

        As you can imagine, throwing out empty threats to my husband isn’t going to get me anywhere (I’ve learned from experience–my past threats to leave just shut him down even more and really damaged the trust) and right now there’s a part of me trying to rebuild that trust (I do think he still believes I could leave him, and he’s right to think that… I haven’t totally 100% decided it won’t be our outcome, especially if he doesn’t step up here). I think I’ve made an effort to at least try the trust route as it seems the best one at the moment. Whether it’s the most effective one, I don’t know.

      • Experienced Husband permalink
        January 18, 2013 5:48 am

        Age? Retired on Social Security and Medicare. Started using testosterone in my late 50s. Jokingly told my wife that I didn’t need this stuff before I married her!

        BDSM? Never tried it; never been interested in trying it. BDSM seems to be more about game playing than problem solving.

        Mentoring? Although asked, I declined the offer.

        Divorce? Never been through that. Never cheated either. Been married too long to even think about dong either. According to those familiar with divorce, the best exit is made with a clear conscience once every other option has been exhausted.

  4. January 17, 2013 12:40 pm

    I just have to say that I look forward to reading your blog. At times you are talking about things that are issues I’m dealing with or things that I am thinking about. My “public life does not in any way, shape or form support this kink or lifestyle.” Just out of curiosity how do you balance you faith and the desire for this lifestyle? I too am a Christian and while I don’t look at any of this as a sin, at times I feel like it conflicts with my beliefs. I’m not sure if you will relate to what I mean – I have a hard time verbalizing this feeling.

    • January 17, 2013 6:29 pm

      Hi Shelly–

      Thanks for reading my blog. I know I’m not providing a lot of answers for people, and I have really appreciated the insights provided by others who have been down this road. But I may be able to give you my opinion on your question of balancing faith and the desire for this lifestyle.

      I would have to say that I don’t see much of a disconnect, especially if you look at it from the point of view that God made sex, sex between a husband and wife is good ( has great insights on this), and there are no “guidelines” on HOW to have sex– most husband-wife advice in the Bible is relational: to love your partner, honor, and not WITHHOLD sex unless by mutual agreement. How two consenting adults decide what goes on in the bedroom is really up to them. From a Christian perspective, I’ve often felt like if there is any sin in this, it is in my husband’s withholding from me. Since I don’t think he does it from malice, anger, or any negative sentiment, I guess I feel it is more a sin of omission (not being open to remedies to improve the situation, and reluctant to compromise). I’m in the process of understanding if there is a pride issue in it for him as well– if he does have low testosterone, and does nothing about it… that’s pretty arrogant and prideful on his part. If he tells me, however, that the side-affects of hormones is something really horrible… I can’t in good conscience encourage that.

      From the submission point of view, I was more surprised than anyone to find how many people have done a pretty good job justifying this from a Christian/Biblical perspective. Of course there is no pastor/church alive who would publically preach “spank your wife,” but a Google search of Christian Domestic Discipline should convince you that it isn’t Non-Biblical. Wives ARE supposed to submit to husbands. There is supposed to mutual respect. I personally think this a BEAUTIFUL thing when done correctly. This can also look different for different couples. While I could see many women having a real problem with their husbands spanking them or even “disciplining” them… there are quite a few wives out there who do welcome it as part of their wifely submission. I think I absolutely NEED it to make my submission work as it should. While it might involve an element of eroticism, I think the biggest element is the desire for a strong male’s authority and leadership. For some of us, spanking could support this feeling.

      And then there’s the “kink” side to it, which I think is what makes us “good Christian women” feel the conflicts, as you said. Bottom line (pun intended) is that just about anything that deviates from the mainstream gets labeled “kinky.” One person’s kink is another’s normal. I feel “do no harm” is tricky and relative. There are sexual practices that seem very harmful to me… but perhaps not to those who like them? And while it just defies logic to me, my husband seems to think most things outside of missionary or me on top (including oral on me) qualifies as kinky. Again, it’s nobody’s business how we have sex or relate to our spouse. It’s our choice.

      I imagine a conversation with God on this: “God, you gave me this husband. You also gave me a strong will. We didn’t honor you by observing the right order in our marriage. I’m ready to get that order right and submit to the headship of my husband in this marriage, just as you intended. What I feel I need is my husband’s chastisement, a physical reminder or punishment that amends and softens my heart towards him, to help me feel respectful, loving and cherished by him. You gave us pain as a way of calling attention to something that is wrong. I choose for my husband to call attention to my shortcomings by giving pain in the short term, as a means to correction and long-term pleasure for us in right relationship. And, one more thing God–however you wired me, I respond favorably to being spanked, and it enhances my feelings towards my husband. Whether it was circumstances in my life or just the way I’m made… it is who I am, and it doesn’t make me love or honor you any less.”

      The best case for all of this that I’ve read in my research is that if even one partner wants this, a strong need has been expressed, and the other partner should make all efforts to meet the needs of the one they love. But as much as there needs to be a mutuality in this, if he abhors hurting me more than I feel the need to be spanked… I guess we’re at an impasse. I am very envious of the couples who seem to have this worked out. They seem quite happy, and that’s what I would like.

      And all of this is easier to write or read, than say face-to-face, huh?

  5. January 17, 2013 11:56 pm

    Glad that I found your blog. :) You and I have some things in common, and I’d love for you to visit mine as well.

    In the meantime, I’m hoping that the two of you figure out what this dynamic means to you both. My husband and I have come to a ttwd-lite type of consensus, and our marriage is significantly better than it was previously (and we had a good marriage before).

    You brought up some issues that we’ve discussed as well, maintenance being one we tried and discarded.

    Maintenance for us, too, seemed contrived and awkward and my husband also couldn’t really justify it. How do you remind a wife who brought this to you, and has given you her trust and respect, to do just what she is already doing? What is the reminder spanking for, when the roles of each one of you have been established and you are thriving without it?

    So for us, the spanking is primarily back in the bedroom (I understand from your post that your husband may be uncomfortable with that, but I do mean the “good girl” sexy kind), a lot of funny raised eyebrows from Will when I’m being intentionally (in a fun way) sassy, and the occasional swat because it’s hot.

    There are so many ways to improve your marriage, and any variation of ttwd that works for you both is the right way. This is what I am learning, at least.

    Elisa xo

  6. Jane permalink
    February 21, 2013 1:51 pm

    Don’t quite get all you are say but I have given my husband a letter as well. He has not even told me after at least 2 weeks wheather or not he has read it! I am wondering what to do! I think from some comments he makes jokingly that he would be a little interested in dd but he also says things about not wanting to hurt me and I LOVE him for that! I do feel that i do lots of things that would deserve corporal punishment I afraid to talk about it incase he thinks I am crazy as well a kinky we have played with the occasional erotic very light spanking. I really do want this but i am scarred of talking about it and shutting down any possibility of it. Can you offer any advice I would love you to email me and perhaps we could talk better that way. Thanks just really needing help

    • February 21, 2013 10:06 pm

      I’m probably the last person to give advice on this. You may want to read through my blog to see how my journey has gone (or stalled out) since I started last July (technically it was presented to him in September). DD is not “working” as I hoped it would. He can’t get his head around it and I’m getting tired of trying to convince him. I have no real answers, but many of the links in my sidebar are where I gained some insights. This seems to be a very tailor-made process. One size does NOT fit all. I think the best advice of all is helping him to see how this will make you feel loved, safe, secure and happy… and thus improve your marriage. There clearly are some major attitude adjustments for the wife too, in order to ALLOW him to be dominant. I’ve probably not been very diligent with these. I’ll go for a while doing great, then get impatient and start “demanding” again. Not very submissive, but latently I do think alot of it has to do with me wanting him to just “TAKE ME IN HAND” and MAKE me stop being so demanding and impatient. Fear of talking about it though seems more of a communication problem, so you might want to start clearing that up first. Seriously though, as much as I’m honored you want my advice, I’m just not the right person. Check out some of those other bloggers who seem to have greater success. Almost 6 months later I’ve netted only one over-the-knee spanking that was partly erotic/playing; and slightly more erotic spankings (coming from zero), and a lot of teasing remarks poking fun at DD. Better intimacy overall, but still a long, long way to go. I wish you the best in your journey.

  7. hisquietlilfreak permalink
    March 16, 2013 7:28 pm

    I completly understand where your coming from, I was definatly there! Here’s how we got past it.

    After digging up some guts I sent my man an email, basicly asking him if he would be interested in spanking me. I didn’t really explain DD since we live have always had a fairly “old school” relationship, and it’s always worked for us. He didn’t mention my email, but he did start gently spanking me durring foreplay. Not quite what I had envisioned, but it was nice, and I stayed quiet wondering where it would lead.

    About six months went by, and one day I googled “How do I convince my husband to spank me hard”. I got up enough guts to leave up the search, and I let it be, knowing he would see it sometime that day. That evening I got the response to my search. It was exciting, and enjoyable, but seemed a bit off since I really wasn’t spanked for any reason. But hey, it was GOOD! He asked me if that was more what I had in mind, and by my reaction I’m sure he knew my answer was “yes”.

    Interestingly enough, a month later I recieved what I really had in mind. I screwed up. I did something “bad”. I said something catty to another woman who I knew was attracted to MY man. He was not impressed, he was embarrassed, and angry The fact that I felt justified on how I behaved did not help much in my defense either, to say the least! He found out about my catty remarks while I was in class at night, and I came home to find him glaring at me, hands folded over his chest, asking “What did you say to so and so? Tell me, every word of it, right now.” It seems his brother had overheard me and decided I had acted “out of line” and decided to inform him.

    A heated discussion began. “yes” I reluctantly admitted, “maybe” I was out of line “a bit”. I really never meant to embarass him, truely I never meant for him to find out what I said to the girl who decided that flirting with him in front of me was OK!! That’s why I waited to confront her till when he wasn’t in the room!!! “Yes, I know I might have been inappropriate, but so was she!! Yes, I realize you paid her no attention, and yes, I know you only want me, but she flirted with you damnit!!! How was I suppose to respond to that anyway!!” Apparantly not the way I did respond, which was by quietly telling her just what I’d do to her if she ever so much as looked at my man again!
    By the end of the evening I had humbled a bit, not much. I still felt quite justified in how I behaved, but I was truelly sorry that I had made him angry at me. He had calmed down quite a bit, and I thought our fight was over even though it never really came to any real ending. I took a ciggarrette from our pack, and put it to my lips when a look came over his face that I didn’t really recognize,
    “Put that down” he calmly commanded me
    I put the ciggarette down, looking a bit confused.
    “I haven’t let go of what you’ve done yet” he said in that deep, quiet, spinemelting tone of his.
    Before I could respond further he had me bent over the bed with a pillow under my waist. A few very hard hand smacks later my bottom was bare, my bottom was being blistered, and he did not seem to care at all if it hurt! In fact, making sure it was going to hurt seemed to be the point! I struggled and wimpered a bit, but he held me down and set my bottom afire for quite awhile, ending with a slow, purposefull, stinging rythm while he asked me to explain what was unacceptable with my behavior, and he explained just how much worse my bottom would fare if I dared try a stunt like this again.
    At some point after that the spanking mixed into more intimate relations and at the very end of it all I was sitting crosslegged on my bed, on a very sore bottom, smoking a ciggarrette. Then we curled up, and went to sleep.
    However, since that night, things have began to change. Any hesitation to correcting me verbally is gone and I am doing my best to bite my tounge when he is stern with me, even if I feel like getting defensive and argueing instead. (I’m submissive to him, but I dominate the rest of the world, and can get a bit snappy at times. Hey, I’m human too!) I haven’t earned any more spankings so far, but I don’t doubt he will spank me if he decides I have earned them, and although I know my bottom will be sore it’s not something I fear or worry about in the least. I have now realized that just giving him time to feel things out, and leaving room for us to both grow with each other is the only way this will work.
    And I’m happy, very happy, now if I could only be less “cheeky”! LOL

  8. April 21, 2013 9:24 pm

    As long as both partners find it mutually acceptable, I can seee no reason why each cannot spank the other…..I spanked my wife for the first time last week and it has changed her attitiude, she is far more affectionate and attentive and not as demanding as before.

  9. Wilhelm permalink
    May 15, 2013 9:37 am

    As I read over your blog randomly I am so sorry I didn’t find it when you first started. I am so glad your journey is going in the right direction.
    I keep finding things I want to comment on. I too had a problem with the question of why I would want to spank my girl. Punishment just never made any sense to me and it took a while to find a reason that I was comfortable with. In our journey I learned she has a strong need to be controlled, to do as I say and to please me. So I adopted the attitude that I like spanking her and I do it just because I like to. At first it felt strange, but you know what? I DO like it. I like the “smack” my hand makes when it strikes her butt just right. I focus on making a satisfying “smack” and getting a nice even pink all over her bottom. I go way beyond what i ever thought I could do both in strength and duration of the spanking and she can’t seem to get enough. I’ve learned to enjoy it as much as she does (almost). BTW when I want to give it to her good I slather her behind with mineral oil. She says it makes it sting a little more and it really makes for a good “smack” for me.

  10. May 18, 2013 10:32 am

    Nothing like waking up and giving your sub a good spanking ending with an orgasm for both, then back to sleep for a few.

  11. August 31, 2014 4:43 am

    I’m impressed, I have to admit. Seldom do I encounter a blog that’s both equally educative and interesting, and without a doubt,
    you have hit the nail on the head. The problem is something which not enough men and women are speaking intelligently about.
    Now i’m very happy I stumbled across this in my search for something concerning this.

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