Can He Ever Be My Dom???
Way back in August, as I was just learning about (Christian) Domestic Discipline, Dominance/submission and all of its variations, I posted something about my musings: CDD, TTWD, Taken in Hand… And what do the men think of this? This was written just before I raised the topic with my husband.
I didn’t get too many responses, as I had hoped. I wanted to be able to give my husband a dominant man’s point of view on this… of which there are many out there in blog land. I ended up sending him to a lot of “prominent DD blogs” to hear what husbands had to say (and wives’ testimonials). It did nothing for my husband. I think he was actually a bit turned off. It was a “kink,” something aberrant, something too strange to consider.
The need I expressed in that blog has not changed, and it’s only intensified as I’ve read more about other couples’ journeys along this same road. Except in my case, my journey never left the tarmac. We’ve been taxi-ing around on the ground, the very vanilla ground, for well over 7 months since I asked my husband for Domestic Discipline and even erotic spanking. He’s made a few meager attempts to spank me… never very hard, never painful, never truly dominant. He clearly saw it was a turn-on for me and obliged as well as he could, but I nearly need to beg for it. I’d say that once or twice a month he’s spanked, a little. I can’t count on it, and I’ve watched my orgasms slide away into oblivion with our pleasant, vanilla sex.
A reader recently commented on that original blog:
I think spouses should spank their spouses if that is what switches them on whether it is the wife or the husband.
I am not sure about discipline though as that would be trying to change their natural behaviour. One can accomodate spanking one’s spouse in the sexual realm but to be asked to discipline them, presumably for faults, changes the marriage and the ball game in my opinion.
I can’t make my wife want to be spanked and I don’t think one can make their spouse want to discipline them. We cannot control or change our spouses even they they should accomodate reasonable sexual needs which I think spanking is.
Now, what all of us women who desire DD or D/s or Taken in Hand want, is a total change in the ball game. We want the dynamics to change, the paradigms to shift. We want our men to take charge, become dominant, become the head of household– and authority over us.
But whoa… this guy’s comment stopped me in my tracks. After 7 months of trying to convince my husband, I didn’t want to face the fact that I couldn’t MAKE my husband want to discipline me. And I couldn’t MAKE my husband go Dom in the bedroom either. I could try to convince him, I could cajol him, I could beg him… but ultimately, he wasn’t going to go against his pacifist nature, no matter what I needed.
This is a sad thought for me. It is so simple, but so true.
I suppose some who have been reading my blog would like to point out there have been some steps forward in other areas with my husband. I mean, at this time last year, leaving him was definitely on my radar screen. I gave him an ultimatum. No sex, then no more marriage. I wasn’t going to live in a platonic marriage any more. This was a “reasonable” request in a “normal” marriage. Had he said no, he couldn’t deliver… then there were legitimate reasons to end the marriage. And I would have been no worse off than I was.
So, yes, we have sex now. He’s made strides in becoming more attentive and a bit more romantic. Many times it’s actually good, it’s sweet, and it’s a physical connection I’ve long been deprived of by my husband. But it’s lacking in many ways. This physical bonding led me to fully come out of my kinky closet to him to ask him for D/s. It led me to trust him enough to lay my will down at his feet and give him complete power and control over me if he chose. He just kept rebutting my offers with “You’ll never do that…” I’d try to act submissive, I changed my attitudes (fully realizing we can only change ourselves). He noticed and he liked… but it just made him more affectionate towards me, not more aggressive.
I’m faced with the stark, simple realization that he can’t give me what I want. I’m faced with the even starker, blindingly obvious realization that I’m a woman in my fifties who is unlikely to find another man with compatible interest whom I can trust and love. I have to face it… as I look around me: in the gym, in restaurants, in public places… I size up men now and think, “even if that fairly handsome guy my age would offer D/s, would I be interested? I think I’d be horrified and shocked if a strange man ever propositioned me with that. I need the trust that you only gain from a long-standing relationship with someone.
What to do… I know that unlike my commenter and his wife, who agree to accommodate their kinks sexually to give each other pleasure (“she knows the sex afterwards is always breathtaking…”), I don’t have that dynamic. His desire NOT to spank me or dominate me outstrips his desire to give me what is most pleasurable to me. Do I settle for this? Take what I can get? Just “appreciate” the good and stuff down all this other “stuff?” The deep discontent may just consume me over time… Is it even possible, as I once was counseled by a professional when I went with the problem of no sex from my husband… “sex probably won’t matter so much in another few years.” I was 42 at that time!! Yikes!! surprised the heck out of me to get THAT advice!).
Are we at an impasse?